Monday, May 21, 2007


May 17th
I broke up with Niall yesterday. I know that I did the right thing, but I feel so terrible. The worst thing is that I still love him, but it just couldn't work anymore. Not as a healthy relationship. All I want to do right now is go and take care of him, and I think that speaks volumes about what our relationship was becoming. I have to be selfish with this, or what I need will get subjugated, and what he needs will take over my life. I could let myself do it, take care of him and forget everything else, but in the end I would be miserable and resent him, and he still wouldn't have what he needs. I know that this is for the best, but I will never be able to forget that look on his face.

May 20th
After I spent Friday getting updates from the vet about Singe, picking her up and getting all the instructions for her medication and tips on how to force-feed a cat, I took her home and got her settled and drugged. Then I took Niall's things back to him. It was difficult even gathering them all together. They had seemed so natural where they were; the places they occupied belonged to them. Now there are empty places in my apartment to match the empty places in my heart.
Niall had some things of mine to give back to me as well and now they sit on my floor accusingly. I seem to be preternaturally aware of them. They do not belong here.
I still haven't thrown out his toothbrush. I just can't bring myself to do it.
As I went to leave Niall's, we hugged each other. There in his arms, I began to think about all the things that I will never get to do with him. It became so painful that I literally ran out the door. I went around the corner to the stairs and I had to stop and lean against the wall, fighting my tears as hard as I could. I almost went back and told him to forget everything I said and that I would take care of him, but I know that it would be a lie. There is no way that I would be able to give him what he needs, and I would kill myself trying to give it to him.
Everyone has something that they cannot deal with, and unfortunately for us, Niall has mine. I love him and I respect him, but I just don't have the strength it would take. I truly hope that some day it will not be too painful for us to see each other and that we can regain the friendship that we had. Niall is truly an amazing person and I will miss him with every thought. I would give anything for things to be different, but I cannot change what is.
Instead of letting things go on between us and years from now becoming bitter and resentful to each other, I have given us both an opportunity for something better. I just hope that he can someday see it that way too.
I also hope that someday I no longer feel as though I'm drowning when I think of him.

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