Adventures in Stupidity

Scene at the bank.

Cast:

Me-Myself

Bank Teller-Twentysomething blonde girl with entirely too much makeup on

Bank Teller: What's your job title?

Me: Um, what?

Bank Teller: Oh, we have to ask you what your job title is now.

Me: Oh, ok. I don't think it will be in you list. Regulatory Affairs Associate.

Bank Teller: [clicks mouse a few times] Hmm...I can pick "other". How about that?

Me: Sure, whatever.

Bank Teller: Ok, I have to type in a description. What did you say again?

Me: [slowly] Regulatory. Associate.

Bank Teller: Hmm, that doesn't fit. Oh , I know! [types while spelling] R-E-G...A-S-S. There!

That's right. I am a Reg Ass. Good job.

Well Hello

I haven't written anything in a while, so here are some random updates.

The biggest thing I've been dealing with recently is Singe's mysterious illness. A sample of the tissue that the vet removed from her leg was sent out for lab analysis and came back negative for damn near everything that we thought could have been causing the problem. What it did pick up is that Singe has autoimmune dermatitis. That means that her immune system is not recognizing her own skin and is attacking skin cells as though they were an infection. The vet's theory is that Singe has a micro-infection, and the antibiotics that she was on previously were not able to get to the source since it is behind a bunch of scar tissue and jacked up tissue in general. Now she is on a new, very strong antibiotic as well as a regimen of one week on, one week off of steroids. And she still has a cone on her head. It's very fun times at our house right now.

In completely unrelated news, I am trying to move again. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Other than those things, my life is boring. I need some friends over here. Badly.

The Tornado Story

Yesterday was a bright, sunny, hot Florida day. After work I drove over to the bank, stopping for gas first. As I was telling the pump what kind of gas I wanted, I heard a loud thunderclap. Not really that strange for this time of day in the summer, but when I turned around and saw the deep grey clouds hanging incredibly low, it gave me pause. Finished filling my thirsty car and drove over to the bank. Just as I was finishing my transaction, the teller got a phone call, after which she announced, "I'm supposed to warn everyone that there's a small tornado outside." We all rushed outside to take pictures, like total jackasses, myself included. Hey, it was the first tornado I had ever seen. And I did check it out from inside first, and it was pretty far away. Pictures taken, I got back in the car to head home. After driving through some pretty intense rain and random hail, I got back to the house without incident. An hour and a half later, the sky was once again completely clear.

Tornado!

ACK!

This chair is made of pure evil. I lost the website that I saw it on, but it was some sort of sports and hunting equipment place that apparently also sells home furnishings. But seriously. See those two spots that are the eyes? The deer head makes the nose and the mouth made out of pointy antlers. This chair wants to eat you.

I'm going to have nightmares about this damn thing.

Not A Chance

A list of things that I have no desire to do whatsoever.

1. Be on a reality show, for any amount of money.
2. Read anything that Stephen King has ever written.
3. Hem my own pants.
4. Reduce the amount of time I spend online.
5. Stop drinking so much coffee.
6. Listen to the radio.
7. Watch Oprah or Dr. Phil.
8. Go to my high school reunion.
9. Have kids.
10. Live in a small town.
11. Get up early on the weekends. And by early I mean before 11:00.
12. Live in a place that is not beach-adjacent.
13. Stop judging people who use poor grammar.
14. Let a spider live in my house.
15. Hide my nerdiness.
16. Have a life plan.
17. Not laugh at inappropriate things.
18. Take up jogging.
19. Live to be 100.
20. Live in the same place for the rest of my life.

I stole this idea from Alex the Odd, because I am a thieving thief.

In Which I Reveal Myself to be a Crazy Person

This is for Pamala.

If you don't watch How I Met Your Mother, first of all, you need to be watching it. Second, this will not make much sense to you. You have been warned.

On the subject of Barney and Robin, or The BroTP:

I did not start watching HIMYM until Heather from Go Fug Yourself wrote an amazing analysis of Robin and Ted's breakup on her personal blog, and how she related to it on an emotional level. It made me think that it was worth checking out a half-hour sitcom that could inspire someone whose writing I secretly hold as a gold standard to delve so deeply into her own psyche. At first I just watched random episodes that I channel-surfed across. Then I watched a few episodes online. Then I was watching it every Monday night. Then I Netflixed all of the past seasons that were available and watched them all in a row. Pamala and I started having more and more frequent discussions about the show and the relationships between the characters. These discussions became almost entirely about the dynamic between Barney and Robin. They were sometimes even fan fiction.

Somehow these two fictional characters became an integral part of my life. It could be that these two characters are so well written and so well acted that they seem completely real. It could be (and most likely is) due to my own relationship being at a complete standstill. Whatever the reason, I now find myself completely emotionally invested in Barney and Robin.

When they first kissed, I was thrilled. Then when we found out that they had sex and were going to pretend they didn't (not that it lasted long), I was actually disappointed. I felt like all the build up that the show had been giving us should have led to something more that just a hook-up session. But now I've learned not to underestimate these writers. The direction that they are taking this has me completely on board and convinced that Barney and Robin should be together somehow. It's been there all along. They just didn't see it. Well, ok they did a little (Zip, Zip, Zip), but not at this level. Not when there are real feelings and emotions involved.

There are certainly arguments against these two people getting into a relationship. Barney is not the type of guy who could settle down with just one woman. Robin is not the type of girl to settle down with anyone at all. But there are deeper reason why these two are perfect for each other. They would certainly not be a perfect couple, and the show would suffer if they were. It would be completely against their natures, and Lily and Marshall already have that perfect couple thing going on.

One point is that, although Barney pointed out the reasons that he and Robin would be great together when he mistakenly thought Robin's invitation to play Battleship was a euphemism for sex, those reasons don't apply anymore since both people have gone through significant changes. While this may be true, there are reasons they they should be together that are more meaningful. I think that the reasons they are really good for each other are not necessarily the reasons that Barney stated why they should sleep together. They both secretly want someone they can depend on, but they're scared of getting hurt. Robin is more cavalier about her life, so she has opened herself to the possibility of getting hurt from relationships, but not to the point of being "dependent" on someone via marriage. Barney was utterly crushed after Shannon dumped him, as we can see in that video where he looks like a hippie and is singing and crying about Shannon. Her rejection crushed him and he has been protecting himself from that pain ever since by using a persona that is not really him. His emerging feelings for Robin are evidence of cracks in that hardened shell. She is bringing out the real him; the vulnerable, human Barney.

Conversely, I think that with Robin becoming more independent and stable again with her new job (that Barney got her...), she will be more open to a relationship since it will not mean depending on another person. That seems to be when she does her best with emotional situations. When she is depressed, she ends up hooking up with the Naked Guy. And let us not forget Robin Sparkles. All you have to do is think about the video for “Sandcastles in the Sand” and her behavior with Simon later in her adult life. There is clearly a side of Robin that is just as vulnerable and fearful of rejection as Barney. They have both developed personas to help them ward off potentially hurtful situations, and that is what I think will ultimately bring them together. It seems to be almost like they recognize themselves in each other.

Unlike the rest of the group, Robin seems to really understand that there is more to Barney than what meets the eye. She seems to accept all of the different aspects of Barney without question. Lily is certainly aware of Barney's more human side, but it came as a shock to her. Marshall and Ted still see Barney as a character, even though he has done incredibly substantial things for both of them.

We certainly know how Barney feels about Robin. Throughout the show, he has been much more aware of what is going on around him and what other people want than the other characters (especially Ted). He is almost preternaturally aware of Robin, even from as far back as season one. He immediately picked up on Robin having feelings for Ted, even while Robin herself was still in denial about it. Throughout the show he has mentioned things about her that the others did not seem aware of. Like the fact that she has an occasional cigarette when she's relaxing in the tub. Whether or not he is inherently that perceptive, it is definitely something that he would have honed to a fine edge while developing his skills at picking up women. He sees what they want, what will make them happy, and he becomes it. He gives others pleasure, but he doesn't ever partake for himself beyond a superficial level. I think the thing that is freaking him out with regard to Robin is that she has the potential to make him happy, and he hasn't experienced that since he was with Shannon.

That brings us to the question of whether or not Barney could make Robin happy. Clearly the Barney that sleeps with a different random woman almost every night through various ruses and games would not be tolerated. But what about the new Barney, the bundle of raw emotions? The Barney who smashes tvs when he learns that Robin is sleeping with Ted again? How would Robin feel about that Barney? Keep in mind that Robin did date Ted for a long time, and he is about as sentimental as you can get. Also, the boost to Barney's ego that would result from Robin accepting him would bounce him right back to the level of awesome that we know and love.

The only thing that still remains in question is how Robin actually feels about Barney. My pet theory is that Robin has feelings for Barney as well, but she is not letting herself acknowledge them. I hope that as Barney's feelings for her lead him to action, however subtly, she will become more receptive to him. My fear is that she is completely aware of how Barney feels about her, but she feels nothing for him beyond friendship, so she is avoiding the whole topic. I alternate between these theories every single time Barney and Robin interact at all.

25 Things About Me (The Food Version)

I already did the 25 random things thing on facebook, and this morning I was thinking that I could probably do an entire 25 things about me and food. I have a lot of weird food habits.

1. I prefer that items on my plate not touch each other. I used to be very bad about this as a kid, but I am much better now. There are still times when things touch and it bothers me. In that case I will not eat the part of the item that was touching something else.

2. I usually do not drink while I am eating. I drink after I am done with my food. The exception is spicy food. If I have a glass of milk, I will save it until the end and then gulp it down as fast as I can. I really like to drink milk fast.

3. I cannot stand bananas in any form. The smell makes me very nauseous. I can't even handle banana in other things, like smoothies. I have refused to let coworkers throw banana peels in my trash can.

4. I do not like most green vegetables. Exceptions are broccoli, artichokes and green bell peppers. I will eat other vegetables, but I really do not enjoy them.

5. I eat most symmetrical food in a circle. Like sandwiches. I eat all of the crust, ending on the top. Then I eat the rest in a spiral. Hamburgers too.

6. I don't like chocolate. I know this is one of the strangest ones, but it's true. I occasionally enjoy a piece of good chocolate, like one of those Ghiradelli's squares. But I don't crave chocolate ever. And I prefer my chocolate to include nougat, caramel, or toffee.

7. I love hard candy. Jolly Rancher's, lolly pops, Sweet Tarts, bring it on! Especially sour candy. I have eaten Sour Patch Kids until my tongue started to bleed. More than once.

8. I don't like nuts. Of any kind. I will eat cashews, but only a small handful. Wait, do water chestnuts count? Because those I love.

9. I occasionally obsess over whether something is technically a fruit or a vegetable. Like cucumbers and strawberries.

10. When I am drinking something other than milk, I find it very difficult to drink the last half inch of liquid.

11. I have to concentrate very hard while swallowing pills. If I get distracted, I will somehow only swallow the water and then I'm left with a melting pill in my mouth.

12. I do not eat mushrooms or onions. And yes, I can taste them. Yes, even if it's just a little bit. You can put them in whatever you are making if you want. I'll pick them out.

13. Bleu cheese freaks me out. Gorgonzola cheese it totally fine. I have no idea why.

14. I don't like Swiss cheese. It tastes like metal to me.

15. When eating french fries, I have to eat more than one at a time, but they must be of equal lengths. I will select two or three fries of equal length, ketchup them and eat them together.

16. I prefer regular, simple coffee with just sugar and milk. I don't like specialty drinks. They tend to leave some sort of film in my mouth.

17. I never add salt or pepper to my food once it is on my plate.

18. I like to have ice in almost all of my drinks. I have put ice in beer and milk.

19. I am left-handed, so I place my silverware on the left side. I also place my drink on the left side, but I reach across my plate with my right hand to take a drink.

20. If I am eating chips, I have to eat only one at a time. I cannot eat several chips at once, no matter how small they are.

21. I do not like pie. Of any kind. Fruit should not be cooked. I especially hate fruit syrups.

22. Once I find a dish that I like at a restaurant, I rarely deviate from that dish.

23. I have never met a potato I didn't like. I could eat potatoes with every meal. Including breakfast. I once had a stew in Ireland that had five different kinds of potatoes in it. I was in heaven.

24. I don't like eggs. I will eat them, but I really don't like them. One exception is California Eggs Benedict at Cajun Kitchen, but I think that is because everything at Cajun Kitchen is amazing.

25. In spite of all of my weird food rules, I will try anything at least one time. But if I decide that I do not like something, that's it. You can say "Oh, but you've never had it this way." I still won't like it after trying your favorite. I promise. And no matter what anyone else says, to me, tapioca pudding will always be fish eyes. End of story.

So, what do you think? Am I a total freak? Or are you even weirder than me?

Crazy Germans

Say What, Now?

My horoscope for today is baffling. Like, even more than normal. Check it out:

You might feel like a mental ninja warrior today, but every thought you throw into a conversation is washed aside by someone else. You may feel ineffectual, as if your ideas cannot quite gel. It's no fun when you cannot blend your many trains of thought into one coherent knockout punch. Instead of growing frustrated and then retreating, stay aware that your feelings of being "off" are temporary and a more positive attitude will return in a few days.

How does feeling ineffectual make me a ninja warrior? Isn't a ninja, by its very nature, incredibly effective? Not to mention the closer statement of "Yeah, you're going to confuse yourself today, but stop being a whiny bitch an accept it. Buck up, lil' camper!" Thanks, Google. You bastard.

Irony?

A long while ago I picked up a few 2009 calendars when they were on sale at Border's or Barnes and Noble. One of them is a monthly calendar for the wall with fantastic Chagall paintings. It goes very well with my cartoon insect refrigerator magnets. The other one is one of those thing-of-the-day calendars for your desk. I just remembered that I had made this purchase and brought it to work today. The thing-of-the-day I chose? Common Errors in the Usage of the English Language. I am a nerd. Today's error?
presumptious/presumptuous
"Presumptive" has an "I" in it, but "presumptuous" does not.

Only Happy When It Rains

I like lists and I like music!

Here's how it works:
1. Put your music on shuffle. (Yes, it's one of those)
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

Let's go Spod! (Spod=Sarah pod. Because I hate saying ipod.)

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? You Found Me (Kelly Clarkson). Well aren't I cheesy as hell. Or really creepy. Hard to tell really.

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? When You Sleep (Cake). I don't think I'm boring. Maybe it means that I'm like a dream! Yeah, I'm reaching, aren't I?

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY? Simple Kind Of Love (Maroon Five). Well who wants complicated? Simple is good.

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Sassafras Roots (Green Day). I guess...I did move to "The South" recently.

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? I'm A Long Way From Home (Shooter Jennings). Indeed, Spod. Indeed.

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? I'm A Believer (The Monkees). I'm pretty much the opposite. Unless it means that I believe in science. SCIENCE!

7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Wonderboy (Tenacious D). Yes, I will vanquish your foes with a mighty sword. Why do you ask?

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? A Praise Chorus (Jimmy Eat World). I did watch Sunrise Earth this morning...

9) WHAT IS 2+2? Santeria (Sublime). Well duh. You have two chickens, and then hey presto! Two more chickens! Sort of...

10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Aish Tamid (Matisyahu). Way to go Spod! Bust out the Hebrew song for my Jewish BFF. Good job.

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Sonata in F Minor-Allego (Beethoven) Awww, how sweet! Non-classical song: Rockapella (The Brown Derbies) Oh...kay? I definitely like the classical one better.

12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? So Like A Rose (Garbage). Yes, it's true. I am hauntingly pretty and I will cut you. For real.

13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Stabbing Shadows (Cake). I do try to bring the crazy.

14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? All The Photographs (Sea and Cake). He does take an absurd amount of photographs...

15) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? The Sun (Maroon Five). Yeah, they're pretty proud of me. Because I'm awesome.

16)WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Sweetest Goodbye (Maroon Five). Because that's not fucked up at all. Yup. Totally appropriate wedding song.

17) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Easy Living (Billie Holiday). I like it. Nice and sad, but also sort of hopeful.

18) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Two Coins (Dispatch). I do have a habit of picking up coins. Mama does it too. We both seem to find coins everywhere we go.

19) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? Luchenback Texas (Waylon Jennings Willie Nelson). Alright fine. I like country music. There. I said it. I especially like old school country.

20) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Dolphin (Poe). Dolphins are happy and social. It fits.

21) WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? Incinerate (The Sonic Youth). I do live in constant fear of being set on fire.

22) HOW WILL YOU DIE? Never (The Cure). That's awesome. I'm INVINCIBLE! Hell yes!

23) WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? Island of the Honest Man (Hot Hot Heat). I got nothing.

24) WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? Scarlet Begonias (Sublime). My cats used to play in the giant begonia bush in my front yard. I'll take it.

25) WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? I'll Be-Acoustic (Edwin McCain). Unrequited love is sad. :(

26) WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? Popstars (Rooney). And just what do you mean by that, Spod?

27) WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? Daylight Robbery (Imogen Heap). People are getting shot left and right out here. Not good times.

28) DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? Just What I Needed (The Brown Derbies). Oh, the Spod is being sarcastic today. Funny. You little mah-chine. I could crush you...

29) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? When You Love Someone (Bryan Adams). You're right, I would change the fact that I ever put Bryan Adams on the Spod.

30) WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? New Deep (John Mayer). (Ok, ok, I take it back. I won't crush you. Just stop embarrassing me.)

31) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? Only Happy When It Rains (Garbage). Interestingly, already a post title.

32) HOW DOES THE WORLD SEE YOU? Clockwatching (Jason Mraz). I do tend to fidget. And I like to be on time.

33)WILL I HAVE A HAPPY LIFE? Water Music, Suite in D Major, Alla hornpipe (Handel). So, yes. Sweet. Non-classical version: Hide Your Love Away (Dispatch and Howie Day cover) On the other hand, not so much.

34)WHAT DO MY FRIENDS REALLY THINK OF ME? Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day). So...they think I need a Xanax?

35) DO PEOPLE SECRETLY LUST AFTER ME? You've Got A Friend (James Taylor). HAH!

36) HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY? Wolf Like Me (TV On The Radio). I should join a pack? Or kill people? I'll take option two.

37)WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE? Evil (Interpol). Check!

38) WILL I EVER HAVE CHILDREN? Platypus (I Hate You) (Green Day). Well, yes. I don't care for kids so much.

39) WHAT IS SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME? Bleed Black (A.F.I.). But I don't want to be a vampire!

40) HOW WILL I BE REMEMBERED? Solitude (Billie Holiday). Well that's just great.

41) WHAT IS MY SIGNATURE DANCING SONG? I Wanna Sex You Up (Color Me Bad). I have been know to bust a move to some 80s/90s pop. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

42)WHAT DO I THINK IS MY CURRENT SIGNATURE SONG? If You Only Knew (Maroon Five). Apparently the Spod is being secretive. Please? Pretty please?

43) WHAT DOES EVERYONE THINK MY SONG IS? Cry (James Blunt). Way harsh, Spod. Waaaay harsh.

44) WHAT TYPE OF MEN DO YOU LIKE? Romeo (Sublime). Yes, please kill yourself.

45) WHAT IS MY DAY GOING TO BE LIKE? On The Wagon (Green Day). This right after I had a conversation with my coworker about getting some eggnog to put my rum in.

Juxtaposition

I have some very contradictory values, which I somehow place equal importance on in my own personal morality. For instance, I think that individual rights are extremely important, but at the same time I think that killing one person in order to save many others is perfectly acceptable. Freedom of expression, to me, is the essence of humanity. At the same time, I often say that people who say stupid or irrational things should be hit with sticks. I think that abortion is a highly personal, individual choice that the government has no business regulating, but I also think that there should be restrictions on who is allowed to have children. I value rational and critical thinking above all else, yet I regularly make decisions based on intuition and impulse. I think that prejudice is irrational and inexcusable, but I believe that your appearance is important and frequently make fun of how people are dressed. I also do not dress that well myself. I am cognizant of the manipulation techniques of advertising, yet I buy a lot of name brand items even though the generic version is cheaper. I think that the amount of attention paid to idiotic celebrities is disgusting, but I frequent gossip websites and stay updated on the state of Heidi and Spencer's relationship and Britney Spears's mental health. I think that Dr. Phil gives psychology a bad name, yet I find myself watching his show.
How is it possible to have completely opposite beliefs at the same time? How do I contain these contradictions in my mind without them cancelling each other out? I can't even rationalize a way to hold these opposing beliefs at the same time. Maybe the sum of a person's personality is made up of their contradictions.

Mumbo, Jumbo, get me some EGGS!

I don't have anything in particular to write about, other than I am incredibly unmotivated to work today. Big surprise, right?
I just read my November horoscope on astrologyzone.com, and check this out:

Saturn will remind you that there are family members who deeply love you and depend on you. You are a towering figure to your family, and you shape their very lives and their futures, and by that I mean both the very young and the very old in your family.

How creepy is that? Not to mention, no pressure! And then it gets even better, describing how December is basically going to suck hard for me. Yay.

Other than that, I am not doing a whole lot. I'm on the prowl for a decent looking couch that won't clash with my randomly orange fireplace and dark cherry floor. I'm thinking purple might just do the trick. And where does one go for a purple couch you ask? Ikea, naturally.

I got an email from Mama's aunt who lives in Tallahassee today, inviting me and Richardo out there for Thanksgiving. And just like that, Richardo will now be in daily use. I'm trying to decide between Richard-o and Rich-ardo for the pronunciation. I'm leaning toward the latter. It makes me giggle more.

What else...Oh, I've been watching all the past seasons of How I Met Your Mother, and I am horribly and pathetically sad that the characters on that show a) are not real and b) are not my actual friends. At the end of the gag reel on season two, they all sit at their table and sing the theme song and it made me tear up! This is on top of having a dream wherein Barney was my friend. I officially have problems.