Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I have really intense, vivid dreams in general. Last night was no exception. I jotted down the bits I could remember before they were lost in the mist so I could look them up in my dream book later. I like to use the dream book for entertainment purposes only, and by no means do I believe anything it says. However. This would freak out the most rational person in the world:

Finding something: Loss in business.
Finding valuable article: Big misfortunes in business.
Finding money: Danger and business loss.
Digging in loose soil: Plans will succeed.
Others being dirty: Illness in the family.
Of the marijuana plant: Will be melancholy.
Smoking marijuana: Will dream of unattainable things.
Eyes being wide open: A change in life will come soon.
The color gray: Will receive a letter with news.
Other famous people: Sorrow is about to come.
Of a restaurant: Bad health.
Eating at a restaurant: Health is not very good.
Of cheese: Worry caused by own hasty actions.
Of a skirt: Will be lazy.
Black iron: Will be cheated by friends.
An empty table: Will fall into poverty.
Eating a piece of cake: Will lose sweetheart.
Of eating: You are being deceived.
Eating on the floor: Somebody will take something away from you.
Eating fat things: Warning of an illness to come.
Avoiding danger: Troubles will come to you.

Can I panic now?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Been A Long, Lonely Time

After five months of no physical contact aside from perfunctory pecks hello and goodbye, and three months of almost no conversation that didn't lead to a fight, I concluded that Ricardo and I should break up. Especially since it was just in February that I already brought up the subject of breaking up. I told him my thoughts and desire for him to move out on a Sunday a few weeks ago. It led to a discussion of things that he has been upset about with me, but hadn't bothered to talk to me about. Things that he found out by going through my phone or other not nice techniques. I pointed out that he'd never brought any of these things that he was upset about to my attention, instead he just closed himself off from me and punished me for them. He felt particularly bad when I pointed out the lack of contact between us. That night he went about professing his love for me and trying to cuddle me, which was completely not fair and I pointed out how unfair it was for him to basically ignore me for five months and then think that a hug could make everything ok. The following Monday I came home to a spotless house, Gerber daisies in various locations, even bathed rats. He then started to prepare dinner and got very sidetracked by telling me how he was positive that everything would be ok between us and that he could fix the problems and make things better. Basically everything I wanted to hear. I countered that it's very easy to say you can do something, but these are the same problems we had when I wanted to break up in February, and why were they still problems? At that point he was begging me not to break up, so I ran away and did some laundry and called Teresa. She advised me to sleep on things and Ricardo was thankfully quiet on the subject when I went back to the apartment. The next day was even worse. He was literally on his knees, crying and pleading with me to stay together. I ended up yelling at him quite a bit and repeating that there was no way I could possibly agree to stay together based on him promising me he can fix these issues. Pressed for time ( I was meeting coworkers for dinner) I told him to focus his crazy energy on actually doing what he was telling me he could do, instead of just repeating it over and over. So far that's what he's been doing. I know he's on his best behavior though. If it were possible for him to maintain his current behavior...well I just don't think it is. And even if he can, I'm really not sure what I want at this point. It is very tempting to give him another chance and see if we can make this work, especially with how nice he's being now. But the logical side of me wonders how long it will be before these old habits and trust issues crop up again and we end up in the same situation. I don't want to waste any more time on this if we aren't going to work out.