Tuesday, April 3, 2007

A Thinking Thing

As you may have noticed, it's been a while since I've posted anything. There is a reason for this. There are some things going on in my life right now that I've wanted to keep in my own head and posting here would have been too much of a temptation to sort my thoughts out. But then I realized that the whole point of this blog was so that I would have somewhere to do that type of sorting out. I fully understand if anyone wants to just ignore this post, since it's going to deal with that icky love stuff. So (deep breath), here goes.
The main thing that I've been mulling over is my relationship. It's not in a state that I am very happy about right now. I'm worried that Niall might not have some things that are very important to me. I'm a very driven person, and it's hard for me to understand or even relate to people who don't have that going on. Niall doesn't seem to have such drive; he's great at making plans, but the follow through is lacking. I don't mean like "where to have dinner" plans, I mean "getting a job after graduation" plans. I understand that it's a scary time, I went through it after all. What I don't understand is ignoring the situation in hopes that it will solve itself. I mean, this is not the type of thing that you can just put off. You know you need to do it, just suck it up and go do it.
I don't want to always be the one who takes care of everything. I want someone who I can rely on to do what needs to be done. I'm afraid that Niall isn't going to be that someone. Time will tell, but I'm still afraid. And in turn, that fear is making me hold myself back emotionally. I want things to work, but if they don't, I don't want to get hurt. So I guess I'm bracing myself. Which begs the question, am I creating a self-fulfilling prophecy?

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