The other day my dad said something to me that I've been unable to stop thinking about. He insinuated that I should be grateful to him for not providing anything for me while I was growing up and while I was struggling through college, taking a full class load and working at whatever job I could find. I should be grateful for that because I had to work hard for what I have and therefore I value it more. Which is true, I do value what I worked my ass off to achieve. But you know who absolutely does not get to take credit for that? The man who refused to pay any child support while I was growing up because he spent all of his money on whatever drugs he could get his hands on.
Yes, I had a hard life, like a lot of other people. And I am stronger for it. I know this. But I will be damned if he somehow makes himself out to be a good father because I didn't end up pregnant at seventeen or stung out on meth like half of my high school. If there is one thing that he absolutely is not, it is a good father. I can hear him now, protesting that he did his best and he loves me more than I know and things like that. To which I say, so what. I guess trying his best involved drinking himself into oblivion and getting high whenever he had the chance. Not to mention managing to not show up for any significant event I wished he'd gone to, or ever coming through with things that he promised. Which probably has a lot to do with me not knowing how much he loves me, since I never saw a trace of it.
"But he's still your father," you say? Well I say again, so what. Just because he and my mom had sex and oops here I am, that means that I am obliged to forgive every one of his shortcomings with a shrug and say "But he's doing his best..."? I do not agree. I owe him exactly nothing. Whatever time and energy he spends trying to convince himself that his monumental failure as a parent was actually better for me so that he can assuage his own guilt, will be exactly that. His time and energy. I am done being so angry that I can't see straight. I am done letting someone have such a huge negative impact on my life.
3 comments:
I sincerely, and from the bottom of my heart, wish you good luck with your decision. People will continually try and get you to change your mind and believe me some will actually react quite violently which is horrifying the first time it happens.
A lot of people seem to think that because we're related to someone that gives them a free pass to treat us like crap and then be forgiven. It doesn't. Your family should treat you better than anyone else on earth and if they don't then you hold no obligation whatsoever to keep on trying.
Blood relationships may be important in your formative years but what matters most as an adult are the relationships we've nurtured whether they be with someone we share DNA with or a person we've met in the street.
Sorry for preaching at you but as you can probably tell this is something I feel strongly about.
I'm guessing you've talked to your Dad recently :).
With that, I get it. Like we've always said, I was probably better off not having mine in my life at all versus you having him off and on as a negative, selfish example of the human race.
I don't believe that you owe anything at all to him or can credit him as much more than a sperm donor.
However, for the first time in his life, he is actually helping someone other than himself (Brian). Even if that help means allowing Brian to live in Texas with him. It's the least he could do, I understand...but look how great your brother is doing (and I'm sure all credit can be given to your brother who is getting himself on the right track and not daddy dearest helping).
I agree with you that you should not put up with his selfish, ignorant behavior. I say, keep contact at a minimum and if he tries to pull the "thank him for making you stronger by putting you through hell" routine, hang up.
It's not worth your time.
You can then use the time to call me and tell me about a woman wearing red plastic shoes, leopard print pants and a vest made out of chinchilla.
Bravo. My wife cut off contact with her abusive parents several years ago, and she still gets shit from people who say things like, "no matter what, they'll always be your parents."
Yes, but sometimes, parents are assholes.
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