Commence Rant Mode

A friend of mine sent me the following list in an email today, and I am hard pressed to think of a time when I have been more outraged in my life. This list was actually published in Maxim magazine (which should give you a hint of it's contents).

100 Things You Need to Know About Women

You know not to forget her birthday and that her favorite flowers are purple tulips. But you need the complete list. Please use it responsibly.

Maxim, Aug 2006

100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she's going to outlive you.

Is anyone else really confused by this? Does it mean that all women are complainers? Or that a woman's complaints of physical discomfort should be discounted?

99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she's trying to keep herself in line.

Ok, I admit that I have purposely not shaved my legs in order to help prevent myself from sleeping with a guy. However. That does not mean that every time I forget to shave or didn't have time to signifies that I am drooling over you.

98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can't get a hard-on she assumes you're not attracted to her.

Most intelligent women are aware that there are many many mitigating factors. I could go on about the whole "don't trust what women say" nuance, but we'll get to that later.

97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.

For women are, after all, unable to resist the influence of anyone. Fragile creatures are we.

96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.

Or you could get her something simple and thoughtful, that shows you know her personality.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

Yeah those three seconds we see it. Granted, it's not the most appealing combination of clothes for anyone to be seen in, but I can think of quite a few bigger turnoffs.

94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn't get along with other women because she's either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.

Ok, I have to agree with this one.

93. Girls who say, "I love sports!" are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they're talking about, are not.

Loving to play sport and loving to watch sports are two very different things. I love to play sports. Watching them on tv bores the holy hell out of me. So, I will never ask what time the game is on. I will ask you what time our game starts. That means I don't love sports?

92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she's most fertile.

Which is why you use a condom. I guess the author left that part out. They also left out the words "the desire for" between the words "has" and "more".

91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.

I don't.

90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it's their car.

No one drives my car expect me, unless I've been drinking. No one. In fact, I hate it when other people are driving. It freaks me out.

89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.

First of all, "girl"? I thought this was about women...Second of all, this ties back to the "get me something that shows you know my personality" issue from before.

88. "If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late."—Claire, 27

And Claire is the leading authority on all arbitrary dating rules. If I like a guy, I don't give much of a fuck how many days after I give him my number he calls me. Unless it's like six months later at three am.

87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.

There are no words. None. This was published people!

86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.

Or you could sleep on it your damn self. Have you ever slept on a towel? That shit is uncomfortable.

85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she's Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.

As a natural blonde, who admittedly lightens her darkening hair, you can tell when a non-blonde woman has dyed her hair.

84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.

What? First of all, how is a statistic "scientific proof"? Second of all, if it is as low as sixteen percent, why are there so many hookers?

83. Women always want to believe what you're saying is true.

How about, women will hold you to a standard of honesty?

82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.

If I'm too hot in bed, I can't sleep, and having another person there usually makes it too warm.

81. The threesome is not about you; it's about the two girls. If you're lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there's a good chance it'll end the relationship.

So...even though it's not about you, make it about you?

80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they'll take it.

I'm not really sure what they're going for with this one. Yeah, if I have a problem and there is a readily available solution, you bet I'll take it. Why wouldn't I?

79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you've ever had.

Clearly she must be a slut and will cheat on you. No chance that she's invested some time with a long-term partner and honed her technique. That would be silly.

78. "I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I've come. Wait five minutes."— Erin, 21

What happened to Claire? I thought she was our dating authority. Unless Erin is our post-coital authority. What Erin doesn't seem to realize is that sex is messy and she needs to get over it.

77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.

That is possibly the most random number I've ever seen. I don't remember guys I've kissed, and I could only guess at the number.

76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she'll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.

Especially if you're bogarting my Xbox. It's my turn, dammit! You died twice already!

75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.

Sadly, I've seen evidence of this. Look, I'm not defending crazy-bitch behaviour. But this article perpetuates it and that is beyond irritating.

74. "Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They're trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom."— Suzy, 31

This is not something I would ever do. But then, I wouldn't date a guy who habitually went to strip clubs.

73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.

Yet another random-ass statistic. I like how getting laid is the only way that a man can have a favor to a woman returned.

72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.

So close. I guess they did have to get that zing in there, or the other guy's magazines would call them sissy. And for the record, I have never seen someone panic in an emergency as much as my Aunt Ann. My dad, on the other hand, has sat patiently holding bits of his own body together (or in some cases, just holding them), waiting for someone to sew him up.

71. "Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them."— Katie, 26

And your point is?

70. Unless they're lesbians, she won't approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they're ugly. And, really, even if they're lesbians.

For no woman shall ever trust a man. It's in our genetics after all.

69. If you have something to hide, she'll find it.

So you should be honest and tell her about it in the first place.

68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.

Why is this on the list?

67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you'll be "friended."

Yeah you pussy. No woman has ever become interested in and developed a meaningful romantic relationship with a friend.

66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.

Wha...? I wish I had less tension. I strive to rid myself of it. If I am fighting with a man, there's a reason. I'm not going to stick around with someone who consistently pisses me off.

65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.

Why take the trouble to resolve the problem when you can just ignore it and get into the same argument over and over?

64. An online dating service's survey found that a woman's ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.

And it's on the internet, so it must be true!

63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.

That is a huge age gap and a very small percentage. I'm just sayin'...

62. A British study claims a woman's chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.

Just let that sink in...Lower IQ women are more likely to get married (I shall avoid obvious jokes) and higher IQ men are more likely to get married. So...smart men like stupid women? I am screwed.

61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

Except for when she does.

60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.

No arguments here.

59. "When I'm drunk, I can't come. Not even with a vibrator."— Lauren, 35

Which is a great excuse for guys to not worry about how sex is for drunk women. I mean, she's not gonna come anyway, why bother. Right? Jesus Christ.

58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.

Well if they got married, clearly they were stupid. Can you expect them to live beyond 29?

57. Most women think they're better drivers than they are. Don't point this out while she's at the wheel or she'll freak and crash.

I admit, I drive like an insane person. I have also never been in an accident that was my fault. I don't think some guy in my car bitching about my driving ability would make me "freak and crash". It might get him pushed out the door though.

56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.

EEEEWWWW!

55. [missing]

54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she'll change her tune. "I've known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy," says Evie, 22.

I hate it when "feelings" is used like this. If you interact with someone more than once, you will develop feelings for them, good and bad.

53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie's lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.

I could get all evolutionary psychology about this, but I don't want to bore you. So I will say: Duh.

52. Despite always complimenting another woman's short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.

I currently have long hair and it drives me nuts. I have had one inch long hair. My best friend has short hair and she is gorgeous.

51. Don't call her "cute." In her mind it's the same as "not vomit-inducing." "Sexy," OK. "Hot," yes. "Fucking awesome," only if she's at least slightly buzzed.

Yes, because hearing some clown yell "Yer haaaaaaaaaawt" is my idea of the perfect compliment. I don't like being called cute because I have a bit of a Napolean complex and it's a diminutive.

50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they're in denial about the size of their feet—which they can't stand.

What the hell? It is not possible to wear a shoe that is two sizes too small!

49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.

Well, not really. But they had to fit penis envy in here somewhere I guess.

48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they're unsure.

I know I'm a dork, and I flaunt it. The other day in fact, I had a discussion about commas and semi colons.

47. According to the U.S . Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.

Getting a job after college is hard. Paying rent while in college is hard. Solution? Live at home.

46. Women want to talk dirty, but they're afraid you won't respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn't make her less classy and she'll probably go wild. Jäger helps.

Especially since you won't have to worry about her needs when she's drunk anyway, right Lauren? This is like three steps away from "women secretly want to be raped, but they're afraid you won't respect them in the morning. Raping her helps."

45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine's readers are women.

Ladies who are reading Maxim, stop it. Stop reading Cosmo too.

44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.

I just...wow. Seriously?

43. [missing]
42. [missing]

41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care about someone else's opinion.

Or it could mean that she just got sick of her hair. Unless all of her appearance-relation decisions must be cleared by you.

40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.

I don't know if I would define someone who would stop being my friend over a "ridiculous bridesmaid squabble" a good freind.

39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.

Saying shit you don't mean is lying. Want your girlfriend to trust you? Don't lie.

38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she'll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

Especially since we intellectually inferior females can't win on our own.

37. Women's public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men's.

True. I'm sorry, but it's true.

36. "At one point or another, I've gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I'm talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don't like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It's not about trust; it's about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it's been satiated."— Caroline, 28

At one point or another, you should tell me about your past relationships.

35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.

This I have no argument with. I have shit to do. You need to have shit to do that does not involve me.

34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It's only about four minutes long.

Let her? Let her?! Look, if you can make an air-guitaring fool out of yourself, I can sing whatever I want. Not that I'm likely to voluntarily listen to chick rock...

33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!

Bras are expensive and the washer creates a lot of wear and tear. And do we want to talk about your socks or underwear? Seriously, most items of clothing are worn a few times before being washed and everyone does it.

32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they're hovering above the toilet in a squat.

That is because women's restrooms are gross.

31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.

Ok this is extreme, but yeah, you do need to have a moderately clean bathroom with toilet paper.

30. "Don't caress our faces while we're kissing, unless you really, really, really like us."—Rachel, 21

Or ever in my case. Why is Rachel the kissing expert? Here's a novel idea: get to know what the woman you are actually kissing likes and dislikes.

29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.

For most of our lives, we never order what we really want to eat.

28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 % since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn't know.

Are they possibly feeding arguments to men trying to convince their girlfirends to get a boob job?

27. Gain her trust when you're out by calling her at 10 P.M. She'll go to bed content you're thinking of her, even if you're slurping Jell-O shots off some skank's cleavage.

Or you could gain her trust by being a decent human being and not acting like a lying asshole. Just a thought.

26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.

Unless they are like me and the smell of licorice makes them naseuous.

25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.

Again, I could take an evolutionary psychology tangent, but this thing is already way too long.

24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.

No, if I feel like there would have to be significant changes in a man I'm dating in order for me to be satisfied, it's not worth my time to try to "fix" him. I'm just going to find a better one.

23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you'll see it more often.

Or she will know you are lying and resent you for it. It's a toss-up.

22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

Thank you Anchorman. Y'know, if I never hear or see that quote again, it will be too soon. To the point, this has to do with some more boring evolutionary psychology stuff.

21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.

What survey? How many women were surveyed?

20. All women think they're smarter than their partners in some significant way.

That's because it's so easy to trick you or catch you in a lie.

19. The more piercings she has, the more places she'll let you put it.

Yes, this must be true, since everything else in life is exactly as it appears to be.

18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.

Ugh. I'm exhausted. Just read these. I think you get my point by now.

17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.

Ok last one, I promise. Bad woman, seeking honesty in a relationship! Bad, bad woman!

16. Chicks aren't afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.

15. Girls don't want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.

14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.

13. "Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn't give you an excuse to suck at foreplay."— Elena, 28

12. Studies show women are more attracted to "macho" guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they're drawn to "good providers," otherwise known as chumps.

11. She likes one of your friends.

10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.

9. The minute she decides she's even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.

8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L'Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).

7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.

6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That's your five o'clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we're not suggesting you shave.)

5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.

4. Foghat's "Slow Ride" is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?

3. The one breakup line she'll never be able to argue you out of: "I'm sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you."

2. Buying a present for your girl? She'll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.

1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.