Airdate 9/26/05
"Ted throws a party in hopes of seeing Robin again, but when she doesn't show up, he throws another party...and another. Meanwhile, Lily's heightened libido prevents Marshall from getting his work done."
Theme song!
The year 2030. SagetTed asks the kids where he was. This makes it seem like he's telling this story over the course of several days. Who does that? The girl reminds her dad that he was telling them how he met their mother. “In excruciating detail,” the son pipes up. Shush son, and get your feet off the table. Another clue that this is a different day is that the girl is no longer wearing those hideous tights. She actually looks normal in a pink sweater layered over a purple top and some dark khakis. SagetTed jumps back into the story by reminding us that when he was 27, Marshall and Lily got engaged. We see that again in a flashback. This made Ted think that he should get married, since everyone else was. I bet Ted would jump off a cliff if his friends were doing it. Anyway. Ted saw Robin, she was incredible, Barney played Have you met Ted?, Ted and Robin went out, Ted told Robin he loved her. “Oh, Dad...” the daughter comments as she puts her head in her hand. I wish I knew these kids names. According to IMDB, they are Son and Daughter. That is messed up. I think I'll just give them names. The son will be Ted Jr. and the daughter will be...Dora. Get it? Moving on. Ted Jr. asks what happened next. Nothing, that's what. One week went by and Ted decided that he was not going to call Robin. Marshall, incredulous, says “So, you're not gonna call her? You went from 'I think I'm in love with you' to 'I'm not gonna call her'?” Ted protests that he was never in love with Robin, he was in love with the idea of getting married, only he uses a lot more words. As they approach the booth at the bar that Robin is sitting is, Ted says that it had absolutely nothing to do with Robin. Then he notices her and looks at Lily, who is sitting across from Robin. Lily excitedly tells them how she bumped into Robin. Ted asks how long they've been hanging out, and Robin indicates the top of her now empty glass and says, “Since about here.” Marshall leans over the table to Lily and starts making out with her pretty intensely, eliciting a “Hello, sailor!” from Robin. Ted explains how they just got engaged. Lily waggles her ring at Robin from the back of Marshall's head. Robin gets up to go back to work, and Lily and Marshall each raise a hand to wave at her without breaking mouth-cial contact. Robin tells Ted it was nice to see him. Ted agrees. As Robin leaves, Barney checks out her ass. Of course he does. Ted sits down in the booth with a “Dammit!”. Lily, free from Marshall trying to eat her face, asks what. He says that he's in love with Robin. Barney, beers in hand, smacks him on the head (hee!) and yells “No! As your sponsor, I will not let you relapse. You blew it, it's over, move on!” Ted says that he has a feeling that Robin is the future Mrs. Ted Mosby. Ugh, not this again. Lily squeaks (no really) and clamps her hand over her mouth. Marshall and Barney smile at her and Ted calls her out. Lily shakes her head, hand still clamped over her mouth. Ted concludes that Robin said something about him to Lily. He demands “C'mon, spill it Red!” and she caves, revealing that Robin called him “something else”. Ted spins that as good, and the fact that he comes on strong as part of his charm. In a flashback, Lily does the same. Robin talks Ted up to Lily as sweet and charming (and not at all creepy, like I would say), but that he's looking for something serious and Robin doesn't want anything beyond a casual relationship. Robin asks that this conversation stay between her and Lily. Lily reassures her with, “This flapper? Fort Knox.” Um, yeah, not so much. Current Lily realizes this with an oops. Ted's off and running with the concept that Robin wants something casual. He declares that he will be a “mushroom cloud of casual”. The gang looks impressed. Ted explains that he's doing this because “it's a game.” Apparently, Ted wanted to skip to the end and get married, but now he sees that he won't get there unless he plays the game. I think Ted played The Game of Life one too many times as a child. Marshall wants to know if Ted is going to ask Robin out. At first Ted agrees, then immediately says no, because that wouldn't be casual. Ted wants to know how he can ask Robin out without asking her out. The gang ponders. Barney's head tilt is particularly amusing. Lily quite reasonably wants to know if they are high. Ted has a solution. He will invite Robin to their party next Friday. Marshall is excited that they are throwing a party. Ted says the word casual again. Barney points out how non-casual it is to invite over a hundred people just to hook up with one girl. He then turns to Lily and says, “that's my leg.” Lily is upset that he waited five minutes to tell her that. Marshall tells Ted to call Robin, but Ted says that calling her would not be casual and that he needs to arrange a chance meeting where he can accidentally-on-purpose run into her and invite her to the party. I'm not gonna rag on Ted for this, because I have totally arranged such meetings myself. Don't lie, you have too. Lily knocks on him, calling him “the most casual stalker ever,” which gets a snort out of Marshall.
Up in the apartment, some time later, Marshall is working on his laptop at the table while Lily is sitting across from his playing with her ring. SagetTed tells us that ever since they got engaged, Lily and Marshall had been a lot hornier than normal. Only he says it somewhat more politely, since he's talking to his kids. Seriously, how old are those kids? Marshall protests to Lily's suggestive looks, saying that he has a twenty-five page paper on Constitutional Law due on Monday and he's barely started. I'll bet five bucks that the computer Marshall is looking at has the script for this scene on it. Lily says that she isn't doing anything besides sitting there wearing her ring. Then she goes on for a bit about how wearing the ring makes wearing other things like her shirt seem wrong. Then she throws out that she's not wearing panties, “not even slightly”, like, can you be “slightly” wearing underwear? Ted busts into the conversation with, “Guys! Boundaries!” Seriously. Then Ted sees Robin on the news, reporting from a convenience store where a little boy has gotten himself stuck in one of those claw machines with the stuffed animals. Ted gets the location (75th and Columbus) and takes off, yelling “Game on!” on his way out the door. We transport through the TV to Robin in the store, reporting, and Ted running through New York. Ted pops into the shot with a grin that quickly fades when he realizes that he is in the shot. He ducks out as Robin wraps up the story. We pan over to see a very sweaty Ted trying to look like he is casually browsing the aisles. Robin sees him and asks him what he's doing there. Ted says that he's shopping for dip because he loves dip. Then he fumbles, and says that he likes dip as a friend. He asks Robin if she's reporting a news story, and she shows him the kid stuck in the crane machine and says that it's sweet of him to call it news. Ted chastises the kid for not playing the game like everyone else, and the kid points out that Ted is all sweaty. Ted turns back to Robin and mentions the party, inviting Robin to “swing by” or “whatever” next Friday. The way he says “whatever” is ridiculous, all drawn out and looking up in the air. Whatever indeed, Ted. Robin says that she can't make it, since she's going out of town next Friday. Ted changes the party to tonight, covering his story by saying that he's been saying next Friday all week, but the party is actually tonight. He says “whatever” again. Guh.
Slide screen over to Marshall and Lily, cuddled up in bed, post-coital. Marshall answers Ted's call, and we see a split screen with Ted in the store holding about ten cans of dip. Ted asks if he's interrupting, but Marshall tells him that he's writing his paper. Ted, not buying it, tells Lily and Marshall to get dressed, because the party has changed to tonight and hangs up on a confused Marshall.
Fade in to the apartment,which is packed full of people, mostly guys. People are chatting and good times are being had. Marshall asks Ted what he's going to do when Robin shows up calling Ted “Gatsby.” Ted wishes. Ted has it all planned out. Cut to Robin coming in the door in a sexy red dress. Ted voice-overs, along with some “sexy” jazz saxophone, that he will be across the room when Robin shows up, “showing some foxy young thang my cool architecture stuff.” Imaginary Ted waves around various drafting tools. In Ted's imagination, there are a lot more women at this party. Imaginary Robin approaches Imaginary Ted and he says hey. Imaginary Robin says hey back, but it's Ted doing her voice while she mouths the word. This cracked me up. As did Ted-voiced Robin saying, “Nice place, et cetera, et cetera.” Imaginary Ted tells Imaginary Robin to make herself at home and returns to his conversation with Foxy Young Thang. An hour later, Imaginary Ted approaches Imaginary Robin, sitting at the window. He says, “Oh, you're still here?” like he doesn't really care but it's a nice surprise (according to real Ted). Imaginary Ted then invites Imaginary Robin up to the roof, very “casually”, if by “casually” you mean “obviously wants to get her naked-y”. Back in reality, Lily and Marshall say “the roof”, all knowing. Ted says that if he can get Robin up to the roof, the roof will take care of the rest. Barney wants to know what's so special about the roof, and Lily and Marshall fill him in. Apparently the moon, the stars, the lights, and the view create a powerful recipe for romance. Marshall says they do it up there sometimes. Dude, did we not discuss boundaries already? Barney tells Ted that he likes his plan, calling him “my little friend”. Ted corrects him that they're the same height. That made me giggle. Barney suggests one small change to Ted's plan. Instead of chasing after Robin, Ted should take the Foxy Young Thang up to the roof and have “crazy monkey sex” with her. Back in Ted's Imaginary Party, Imaginary Ted protests that that is not the plan. Barney tells him that it should be and demands that Imaginary Ted look at Foxy Young Thang. Imaginary Ted does as Barney calls her smokin'. Foxy Young Thang and her nipples turn and say thank you. Imaginary Ted points out that she's not Robin. Back in reality, Barney says that is the point. He asks Ted to “rap”, and I have a brief hope that he is actually doing to start rapping. My hopes are dashed though, as all Barney does is quote a statistic that there is one woman at every New York party who does not know anyone there. Barney wants to know if Ted sees where he is going with this, and I think the question is unnecessary. I think blind people can see where Barney is going with that. Ted starts to shoot down Barney plan again, but Barney interrupts him to start miming using a periscope in a submarine, complete with “bip...bip” sound effects. Lily calls him a dork. Word, Lily. The bips increase in frequency as Barney spots a blonde girl who clearly doesn't know anyone around her. Barney drags Ted over to play Haaaaave you met Ted? They exchange hellos. He asks her if she knows Marshall or Lily. Nope. He pointedly asks if she knows anyone and she informs him that she works with Carlos. Barney excuses himself to ask if anyone knows Carlos. Nope. He turns to Ted and gestures at the blonde girl, saying “on a sliver platter. Bone appétit.” Ted is still not interested, so Barney turns back to the bonde and asks if she would like to see the roof, calling it magical. She agrees, and they head to the window. Ted tries to stop them, saying that he has the roof reserved. I never heard him call dibs. I'm just sayin'. Barney tells Ted that Robin is not going to show up. Ted yells after him that she will. He repeats to himself that she'll show up.
Cut to the apartment the next day, red plastic cups everywhere. Lily, Ted and Marshall are sitting on the couch. SagetTed tells us that Robin never showed up. Lily points out that is was still a great party. Marshall says that he ate four cans of dip. Ted thanks him for knowing just the right thing to say. Ted's phone rings and he sees that it's Robin calling. Lily tells him to answer, but he says no, he can't seem too eager, because he has to be casual. He waits for another ring and then answers. Robin immediately apologizes for missing his party. He pretends that he doesn't know who she is, asking if she's Meridith. Who buys that anymore when everyone's phone had caller ID? Robin tells him who she is, and tells him that she got stuck at work. She gives him the good news that they got the boy out of the crane machine. Ted asks if he got to keep the purple giraffe. Robin says they let the kid keep all the toys, since he was in there a long time and little kids have small bladders. Ew. Enjoy your pee toys kid. Robin says that she wishes the party was tonight, and Ted tells her that it is. Marshall jumps up off the couch in protest. Ted says that it's a two day party, “cuz that's just how we roll”. He re-invites Robin to the second party, and hangs up. He sheepishly turns to Marshall and says, “So that was Robin...” and Marshall wants to know what Ted is doing. Marshall has a paper to write by Monday. Better get your ass to the library, Marshall. Ted runs out the door apologizing and saying that he's going to get more dip. Marshall yells after him to get French Onion. Marshall asks Lily if she can believe what Ted is doing, but Lily clearly has other things on her mind as she looks up at Marshall, biting her lip and playing with her engagement ring. Marshall says fine, but tells her that it has to be super quick, and there will be no cuddling. They head to the bedroom, Lily saying how she's the luckiest girl alive. Marshall stops outside of the room and tears off his robe before heading in after Lily in only his boxers and a pair of brown socks. Sexy.
At the apartment, the second party is in full swing. Barney comes up to Ted and tells him that he was right about the roof. He took the girl from last night home, and that morning took her outside, “spun her in circles a few times, and sent her walking. She will never find her way back—and there she is!” Sure enough, there she is. I don't know why Barney thought she would be trying to find her way back to Ted's apartment the day after the party, since that was surely before even Ted knew there was a second party. Maybe he meant that she wouldn't find Barney's apartment again? I'm thinking about this too much. Anyway. Barney wants to know if Ted invited her, but Ted still doesn't know who she is. Barney reminds him that she works with Carlos. Ted still doesn't know any Carlos. The blonde girl comes over and says hi to Barney. He clearly can't remember her name, saying “Hi...you!” The girl giggles and kisses him. She calls him sweetie and says she needs a drink. Barney and I have the same thought as she pulls him into the kitchen: Sweetie? Really? He turns back to mouth “help” to Ted, but Ted is busy trying to keep Lily and Marshall off the roof. He physically separates them from each other. I don't think that's gonna work Ted. Barney comes out of the kitchen, saying that it's over between him and “works-with-Carlos-girl.” Ted says that was fast, like, haaaaave you met Barney? Barney says that he was trying to think of the fastest way to get rid of a girl you just met, and we flashback to Barney telling Works With Carlos, “I think I'm in love with you.” She yells, “What?” and back in the present Barney thanks Ted. Ted is glad he could help, and then turns to yell at Marshall, who is heading up to the roof. Marshall apologizes, and goes up. Ted ask Barney what he's supposed to do when Robin shows up, and Barney just smirk and takes a drink. Ted argues again that she will show up.
Cut to the next day, Lily, Ted and Marshall sitting on the couch, again. Red cups are all over, again. SagetTed tells us that she didn't show up, again. Marshall says, “Alright. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody wanged, everybody chunged.” Hee. Marshall gets up to finally work on his paper. He says to repeat after him, “I will now have sex with Marshall.” Lily and Ted, in chorus, “I will not have sex with Marshall.” Hee again! Ted's phone rings, it's Robin. He answers, and Robin says hi. Ted calls her Amanda, then corrects himself, saying, “Oh, sorry, Denise, you totally sounded like Amanda.” He exchanges a finger dap with Marshall for this. Again, I protest that Robin has to know that he knows it's her. Nevertheless, she corrects him that she is Robin and apologizes for missing his party again. She got stuck at work again. Ted says, “Ain't no thang but a chicken wing, mamasita!” then puts the phone against his chest and says, “Who am I?” to Lily and Marshall. At least this time Ted knows he's ridiculous. Robin asks about the chance that his party will continue for a third day, and Ted can't resist saying that it will. Marshall jumps off the couch and tries to grab the phone away from Ted, but Ted is too fast for him. Marshall stalks after him as he babbles some more at Robin, using the terms “bro” and “party trifecta.” I maintain that Ted is lucky that he's attractive. Robin promises to show up this time. Ted hangs up and turns to Marshall, sheepishly saying, “So that was Robin...” again.
Cut to the incredibly lame party. There are like six guys sitting around chatting. Barney wanders over to the couch and tells Ted how lame his party is. Ted asks if it's lame, or casual. Barney votes lame. Ted asks again, and Barney just shakes his head. Marshall comes out of the bedroom and Lily asks him if he's ready for a fifteen minute recess, calling him Lawbooks and stroking his chest. He apologizes, but he can't stop working on his paper, and he needs all his blood in his brain. I giggle, because penises are funny. Marshall asks if anyone has seen some book with a really long name. No one has. He asks if anyone has seen a big ass book. Still no. Someone says hello to Barney, and he turns to see Works With Carlos. She asks him if he thinks it's weird both of them got invited, and Barney gets kind of rude, asking, “Who? Who invited you? No one even knows who you are!” Works With Carlos just chalks his behavior up to his “broken heart.” She says that Carlos was right about him, and walks away. He yells “Who is Carlos?” after her. Marshall comes out of Ted's room, still looking for his book. He finds it on the coffee table, open with the pages down and a red cup sitting on it. He picks it up and liquid is dripping off of it. He promptly throws a fit, as would I. But then I don't make a habit of leaving expensive ass books lying around. He yells the long name of the book again and says that it is not a coaster. He turns to Ted and gives a long speech about how they threw three stupid parties just so Ted could hang out with Robin, and she isn't even there. He asks Ted where Robin is, turns around and almost runs into Lily and Robin exiting the kitchen. He says hi to Robin, drops his big ass book on the floor, grabs Lily's hand and runs into the bedroom. Robin approaches Ted and asks him if he threw all the parties for her. Ted starts to deny it, in the lamest way possible, but then he cops to it. He says that one of the reasons he threw these parties was to introduce Robin to “this guy”, grabbing the nearest person to him. Ted figured that since things didn't work out between the two of them, now they can just laugh about it. He introduces the guy who's name he doesn't know by saying, “Robin, this is...” and turning to him. The guy fills in with “Carlos.” Ted and Barney: “Ohhhhhh.”
Lily and Marshall are standing over Ted, who is sitting at his drafting table. They are watching Robin and Carlos chatting on the couch. Ted babbles about winning the game. Lily grabs him and gives him the tough talk. She agrees that Robin is great and all, but Ted wants to get married. She reminds Ted that there are a million women in New York who want that too, but Robin is not one of them. Ted argues that Robin isn't “just one of them,” she's The One. Barney points out that The One is heading up to the roof with Carlos. Marshall asks Ted what he's going to do, and Ted says nothing. He has to keep playing the game. Montage of hands playing the claw game, Ted, Robin, the window to the roof, and the hand hitting the “drop claw” button. More montage, ending with shots of the kid climbing into the game and Ted climbing up to the roof. Up on the roof, Ted asks Carlos to give them a minute, and Carlos takes off saying, “No sweat, hombre.” Ted tells Robin that he didn't throw the parties to set her up with Carlos, he threw them because he wanted to see her again. Robin just says, “Well here I am.” Ted says that there is something between them, unless he's crazy. Robin tells him that he's not crazy, but they barely know each other and he looks at her like “let's fall in love and get married and have babies and drive them to soccer practice.” Ted cracks a joke about not forcing sports on their kids. Robin calls it a great look, but tells him that he's looking at the wrong girl. Ted protests that he's not, and I get irritated that Ted is trying to tell Robin what she wants. Look, Ted, just because you want to get married, blah blah blah, and Robin is attracted to you, that does not mean that she's required to want to get married to you. Robin tells him that she might not ever want to get married, and she knows that dating Ted would end in either them getting married or her breaking his heart, and she doesn't want to do either one. She says that Ted can't turn off how he feels, and Ted cheeses it up by turning an imaginary key over his heart, saying “click, off” as he does so, and then says, “Let's make out.” Robin laughs, but backs away. He tells Robin that he just turned off his feelings and steps closer to her. She protests that he can't, he argues that he did. They get closer. More back and forth about his switch being off. They move closer, and finally kiss. Ted pulls back a little and says that it's not off. Robin was right, there is no off switch. Ted really wishes there was one. Robin sighs and agrees. They laugh and are awkward. Robin suggests that they be friends, and Ted does the hand over his heart like it hurts him thing. Robin knows that it sounds lame when people say that, but that they really could be friends. Ted isn't sure, since he's made such a jackass out of himself. Every time he sees her it will remind him that he's a jackass. Robin says that he's not a jackass. She explains that she just moved to New York in April, and she's always working, and she basically has no friends. She understands though. Ted offers to go for a beer in a few months when things are not so fresh. Robin sadly agrees, and starts to leave. Ted changes his offer to get a beer with everyone now. Robin agrees, and Ted says, “My friends are going to love you—like you! As a friend. Jackass...”
Fade into the bar, where everyone is sitting at the booth. Barney sees something that makes him say, “Unbelievable!” Over at the bar, Works With Carlos is making out with, well, Carlos. Barney says that it's a disaster, since they work together. Ted asks if he's jealous, and Barney scoffs, asking what Carlos has that he doesn't. Robin shoots him down with “A date tonight.” Lily tells her to rewind and play it again. Robin complies, even making the rewinding tape noises. Barney isn't sure he likes Robin. Ted asks Marshall if he has a paper to write. Marshall says, “Dude, you're talking to The Kid.” Ted knows. Marshall is going to finish his beer, have another beer, go upstairs and write his twenty-five page paper, and then get an A. He ends with, “My name is Rufus, and that's the trufus.” That reference is lost on me, but everyone else giggles. SagetTed tells us that Marshall ended up getting a B-, which is still amazing for writing it in one night. Ted gets up to buy the next round, and Robin goes with him to help carry. Over at the bar, Robin tells Ted that he is a catch and will make some lucky woman a good husband. She offers to help Ted find her. Ted wonders how someone can find the love of his life among so many people, or even where to begin. Robin taps the woman next to them on the shoulder and asks her, “Have you met Ted?” Robin heads back to the booth with the pitcher and Ted stays to chat. He looks over at Robin, and she grins at him. He grins back.
Showing posts with label HIMYM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HIMYM. Show all posts
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Pilot
Airdate 9/19/05"In 2029, Ted tells his children the story of how he met their mother, beginning back in 2005 with Marshall and Lily's engagement. Ted, eager to find his soul mate, meets Robin, and sets his sights on marrying her."
The opening title reads "The year 2030" (which is not 2029, like the episode blurb on the DVD case. Good job editors.) and we fade in to two teenagers sitting on a couch, a boy and a girl. SagetTed tells the kids that he is going to tell them "an incredibly story, the story of how I met your mother." The boy wants to know if they are being punished for something and the girl's horribly, horizontal zigzag patterned tights want to know if this is going to take a while. The answers are no and yes, respectively. The kids settle into the couch as SagetTed begins four seasons worth of storytelling.
Over a montage of photos of Ted drinking, being an architect, drinking, hanging out with Marshall and Lily, and drinking, we learn that in the year 2005 Ted was 27 and just starting out in his career as an architect. Ted's life was pretty good, until Marshall screwed it all up. The last photo of Marshall on his knees holding a ring box comes to life as he imploringly asks "Will you marry me?" Ted says yes. Hee. Ted is excited about his friends getting engaged, describing the rest of the night of champagne and sex on the kitchen floor. Then he asks Marshall to please not have sex on the kitchen floor. I look over at my kitchen floor and think, gross.
Marshall thanks Ted for helping him plan this out, and Ted remembers being there for all the "big moments" with Marshall and Lily. I don't see how this is one of those moments, since Ted will, in fact, not be there when Marshall proposes, but maybe he means there in spirit? Anyway, the "big moments" that Ted was present for include the night they met, their first date, "other first things". Marshall claims that he and Lily thought Ted was sleeping. EW. Ted explains that physics dictates that when the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves also. EW EW! People. Don't have sex with your roommates present. Unless they are invited. Ted once again expresses his wonder that Marshall is getting engaged tonight. Marshall and his awesome shirt ask what Ted is doing that night. We freeze on Ted lifting his beer to his lips as SagetTed tells his kids that during the biggest night of Uncle Marshall's life, he was "calling up your Uncle Barney", saying Barney's name with much contempt. Shut up SagetTed, Barney is awesome. Cut to Barney getting his face shaved, like at the barber with a straight razor and hot towels and such. He informs Ted that Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians. When Ted asks if Barney wants to do something, Barney tells him to meet him at the bar in fifteen minutes and "SUIT UP!", then flips his phone closed. Not one for conventional goodbyes, that Barney.
Barney is standing at the bar, suited up, beer in hand when Ted enters. How did Barney get to the bar before Ted when Ted lives directly above the bar? Maybe he had to do his hair. Ok, focus. Barney is upset that Ted is not wearing a suit. Apparently Ted never wears a suit. Ted claims he did "that one time". Barney, disgusted, "It was a blazer."
Ted ignores this completely and waxes nostalgic about his friendship with Marshall and Lily, and expresses worry that he will be on the outs with them once they are married and starting a family. He doesn't want to be "the weird, middle aged bachelor their kids call Uncle Ted." Does he mean like SagetTed's kids refer to Barney as Uncle Barney? Barney smacks Ted on the side of the head and I giggle, because hitting Ted is always funny. Barney tells Ted to remember what he said to Ted on the night they met.
Side slide to Ted sitting in a booth at the bar, sporting a goatee that is masterful in its doucheness. Barney slides into the booth next to Ted. Ted appears to be talking to some other blond guy in the booth, but as we only see the back of his head, and only this one time, I don't care about him. Barney tells Ted that he is going to teach Ted how to live. Barney is wearing a black shirt with white vertical stripes paired with a royal blue tie with a white diamond pattern on it. Ted looks at him searchingly, as would I. That shirt and tie are fighting with my retinas. Barney reminds Ted that they met at the urinal. Guys do that? I thought there were all these rules about urinals, and how you can't stand next to each other or make eye contact, let alone talk. How do those rules allow for an introduction? Maybe Barney is just a rebel. The clashing patterns he's wearing make me think so.
Barney's rules for living life are that Ted should lose the goatee (agreed), and buy a suit, because "suits are cool. Exhibit A", with a gesture at himself. The close up allows me to see that Barney's tie is actually black with maroon and pale blue circles on it. Which amounts to him pairing stripes with polka dots. My eyes are screaming. Anyway, lesson three is that Ted should not even think about getting married until he's thirty. We slide back to Ted saying that Barney is right, he should wait until thirty to think about marriage. He supposes that "when your best friend gets engaged, you start thinking about that stuff." Barney protests that he thought he was Ted's best friend and demands that Ted say that he is. Ted humors him. Barney, as Ted's best friend and all, suggests that they play Haaaaaaaaaaave you met Ted? Ted protests that he doesn't want to play, but Barney ignores him and taps the woman next to him on the arm and says, "Hi, have you met Ted?", and skedaddles. Ted greats her and the very attractive woman introduces herself to Ted as Yasmin. He complements her name and she tells him that it's Lebanese.
Up in the apartment, Lily comes home and puts her bags down on the couch. Marshall greets her through the kitchen cut out and comes into the living room as Lily says that she is exhausted because "it was finger painting day at school and a five year old got to second base". She opens her jacket to reveal a blue hand print directly on her right breast. She is excited that Marshall is cooking, but wants to be sure that it's a good idea, since Marshall "looked really creepy without eyebrows" after the last time he cooked. He says he can handle it and that he is full of surprises tonight. Lily wants to know what other surprises he has for her, like that won't completely ruin the point of a surprise. Marshall panics and yells "Boogedy boo!" at her while waving his arms around. Hee. Also, SagetTed tells us that Marshall is in his second year of law school. Marshall claims that there are no other surprises for Lily. He goes back into the kitchen to cook.
Back in the bar, Ted and Yasmin are sitting at a table while Ted tells her how happy he is for Marshall, but that he can't imagine settling down right now. Yasmin wants to know if he thinks he'll ever get married. Ted does, to the point of describing his future wedding "some fall day, possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows. Band, no DJ. People will dance! I'm not gonna worry about it." Man, Ted is a basket case. He bemoans his best friend getting engaged, like, way to be happy for him there Ted. He then mocks himself to Yasmin for planning his own wedding, but she claims that she thinks it's cute. Ted says that she is clearly drunk, and orders another glass of white wine for her, but he does it by holding up her glass, waggling it at the bar and yelling "One more for the lady!" Which is funny in the context of their conversation, but to the bartender Ted probably just looks like an asshole.
Back in the apartment, Lily is now cooking, wearing a red and white striped apron that I am coveting. Marshall hops off the counter he was sitting on and tells Lily to "look what I got [sic]", as he hands her a bottle of champagne. Lily tells him how sweet he is and hands it back to him. He just says, "Yeaaaah..." and hands the bottle right back to her. She remonstrates him that he is an adult and should not be afraid to open a bottle of champagne. Really, Marshall it's not that hard. He says that he's not scared, so Lily calls his bluff and tells him to open it. He takes the bottle back from her and, after considering for a moment, hands it back to Lily asking her to please open it. She calls him unbelievable and yells at him while the bottom half of the screen takes us back to Ted and Yasmin in the bar. SagetTed talks about two big questions that a man has to ask in life while Lily and Ted pass the bottle back and forth (which is not going to make it easier to open) and Ted stares at Yasmin intently. Ted is lucky that he's hot, because he is often very creepy. Anyway, SagetTed tells us that one of the questions you plan out for months and the other just slips out while you are drunk at some bar. As he says this, Marshall drops to one knee and whips out the ring for Lily and asks her to marry him. She yells, "Of course, you idiot!" and knocks his into the living room with the force of her hug. At the same time, Ted asks Yasmin if she would like to have dinner, and she shoots him down because Carl, the bartender, is her boyfriend. Hah! I bet he thinks you're an even bigger asshole than before! And, really, SagetTed? Those are the Two Big Questions that a man asks in life? How is asking a pretty woman that you are talking to at a bar to dinner even in the same category as asking your girlfriend of many years to marry you?
Back up in the apartment, Marshall and Lily sit up on the kitchen floor after having sex on it, just like Marshall told Ted he would not do. Marshall clearly has difficulties respecting other people's comfort level with respect to him having sex. Lily informs him that there's a pop tart under the fridge, and Marshall calls dibs. This couple is grossing me out right now. Marshall grabs the champagne off the counter so he can drink a toast to his fiancé. Lily kisses him and gets up off the floor, presumably to finish cooking dinner, while Marshall takes the metal wire contraption off of the cork. Marshall wonders why he was scared of opening a bottle of champagne, and pops the cork out with his thumb, which is the complete wrong way to open champagne. You are supposed to cup your hand over the cork, hold the bottle at a 45 degree angle, and turn the bottle while easing the cork out. As expected, the cork goes flying and foam comes pouring out. Off screen, Lily screams and Marshall covers his mouth in shock.
Back in the bar, Ted wonders why he is freaking out as he knows that he's not ready to settle down. Barney wonders how Carl is dating Yasmin, the Lebanese woman, as Carl doesn't even own a suit. Ted decides that even if he was ready to get married, which he emphatically is not, he has no one to get married with. He says, "It's like, ok, I'm ready, where is she?", turning as he says this to see a beautiful woman in a green turtleneck, and I'm not going to pretend I don't know that she is Robin.
Robin talks with some other woman while Ted makes googly eyes at her like the doof that he is. She notices and smiles at him, and they appear to have a moment. Ted turns to Barney and asks if he sees that girl. Barney thinks that she likes it dirty. I giggle, because I am an eight year old. Barney tells Ted to go say hi, but Ted starts to get all neurotic, making a plan to wait for her to go to the bathroom and then go stand casually by the jukebox. We don't hear how this plan will play out because Robin has walked over to the bar where Barney taps her on the shoulder and says, "Haaaaave you met Ted?" and hightails it outta there.
Cut to Lily and Marshall climbing into a cab, Lily holding an ice bag to her left eye (that is the same as the ice bag I had growing up. Aw, memories. That ice bag was held to many an injury. I come from a long line of klutzes.) and Marshall is apologizing profusely to her. Marshall asks the cabbie to take them to the hospital, but the cabbie demands to know if Marshall hit Lily. Lily scoffs at this idea, telling the cabbie that Marshall can barely bring himself to spank her in the bedroom. She explains that Marshall is like "Oh honey did that hurt?" while she taps the ice bag, and how she is like "C'mon lemme have it, ya pansy!" Lily then realizes that she is telling this to a total stranger. This couple definitely has issues with maintaining their own privacy. Marshall does not look pleased with her assessment of his bedroom skills. The cabbie creeps them both out by telling Lily to continue and asking if she is pajamas or naked while Marshall spanks her. Guh.
Back in the bar, Robin is telling Ted that she works for Metro News one, but she is only reporting on fluff pieces currently, "like the monkey who can play the ukulele", but she is hoping to get bigger stories soon. Ted jokes about a gorilla playing the upright bass. Lame Ted. Robin waves to a group of women sitting in a booth, none of whom look pleased that she is talking to Ted. He comments on that fact, so at least he is perceptive of that. Robin explains that the one in the middle just got dumped, so men are not in the picture tonight. Ted offers to let Robin throw a drink at him if it will help. I have always wanted to do that! Apparently so has Robin. Ted asks Robin to dinner on Saturday, but she can't because she is covering a story in Orlando for a week about a man who is going to make the world's largest pancake and then eat it. Ted shoots for the following night and Robin accepts. She slips him her business card and then throws her drink in his face and leaves, saying that it was fun. I bet it would have been more fun if she hit him in the middle of his face, instead of the top corner of his forehead.
Barney comes back over to mock Ted with the first "wait for it" of the show, saying "De-wait for it-nied. Denied!" Yay! I love "wait for it"! Ted corrects Barney that he is actually going out with Robin the following night. Barney is upset because he and Ted were supposed to play laser tag. Ted lets Barney down that they were never going to play laser tag.
The next night, Ted and Robin are having dinner. There is a fireplace in the restaurant with a blue french horn hanging above the mantle. Robin comments that it is bad ass. Ted agrees and likens it to a Smurf penis. What? Then the camera freezes on Ted making the greatest face ever. He looks like the cartoon Grinch when he smiles at the end because his heart grew three sizes. While his face is thus frozen, SagetTed cautions his son that it is not a great idea to say the words "Smurf penis" on a first date, unless you are with a woman as awesome as Robin. How old are his kids, is what I want to know. Robin giggles about Smurf penises, as do I now that I stop to consider the idea.
Back at the apartment, Lily is sitting on the couch flipping through a magazine and wearing an eye patch over her left eye. That would make my head hurt. Marshall is sitting next to her on her left with his laptop on his, well, lap. He turns to her and calls her name. Lily jumps and demands to know how long he has been sitting there. Har har. Lily's cute and all, but there is no way you wouldn't notice someone sitting next to you while they are doing anything with a laptop. There is clicking and typing and just noise in general. Nice try show. You ain't foolin' me.
Ted comes in and announces that he has met "The Future Mrs. Ted Mosby", calling Lily and Marshall Mom and Dad while he does so. Why can't she just be The Future Mrs. Mosby? And what makes you think she will take your last name anyway? Sorry, Ted just irritates me sometimes. Anyway, Lily and Marshall perk up and Ted asks Marshall, "How have I always described my perfect woman?" Marshall considers and comes up with the list, and a mighty long one it is. She likes dogs-cut to Robin telling Ted that she has five dogs. She likes scotch-cut to Robin saying, "I love a scotch that's old enough to order its own scotch." She can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters-cut to Robin doing just that. Wow Ted, those are some high standards you have there buddy. No wonder you're single. Ted tells them that there is one more thing and we cut to Robin asking Ted if he wants some olives, saying that she hates them. Lily and Marshall are very excited about this and Lily says "the Olive Theory" with much affection. Back in the restaurant, Ted explains to Robin that the Olive Theory is based on Lily and Marshall, since Marshall hates olives and Lily loves them. Ted says, "In a weird way, that's what makes them perfect as a couple. The perfect balance." Yes, that's all you need to have balance in a relationship folks. One person who likes olives and one who hates them. I'm starting to see why Ted is single. Robin appears more intrigued than I am and tells Ted that she has a jar of olives in her fridge that has been there forever. Ted offers to take them off of her hands. She replies, "They're all yours." Is it hot in here?
Up in the apartment Marshall yells that it is on, and robots that it is on to the break of dawn, and that's when Marshall wins my heart. Anyone who is that willing to make a fool of himself is good people in my book. You can tell that Josh Radnor was really laughing at him too. Lily points out that it's only 10:30 and asks what happened.
Robin and Ted walk down the sidewalk, presumably to go back to her place so she can give him the jar of olives. There's a gross euphemism. Robin is talking about how she really wants a blue french horn for her fireplace. Ted offers her different colored instruments, such as a green clarinet, but she will accept no substitutes, saying "It's a Smurf penis, or no dice." Well it looks like Ted is in for a night of disappointment. I spoke too soon, because just then a news van pulls up to them and the woman in the van tells Robin that there is a man on the Manhattan bridge trying to jump off, and Robin gets to cover it. Robin tells them she'll be right there and turns to Ted and apologizes, saying that she had a great time. Back in the apartment Marshall want to know if Ted kissed her. Ted says that the moment wasn't right. Lily and Marshall are disappointed, but Ted protests that, since this woman could be his wife, he wants their first kiss to be amazing. Lily seems charmed, but it's just a setup because she says, "Awww, Ted that is so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?" Hah. Marshall nods along, because really, Ted, it's just a kiss. Ted is offended at being called a chicken and gets all Marty McFly on Lily, calling her "a pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college." Ted, I would watch it if I were you. Marshall looks pretty pissed. Lily argues that any single person, even the dumbest single person alive, would tell him the same thing, and if Ted doesn't believe her, he should call that person.
Cut to Barney doing a spectacular somersault dive so that he lands up against a wall in the laser tag...arena, I guess? He answers his phone with "Hey loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome" and then yells at a kid, Conner, who runs by that he killed Conner already and he's going to get Conner's mom. Ted asks him for his opinion on something. Barney says to meet him at the bar in fifteen minutes and demands that Ted suit up. Never gonna happen Barney.
At the bar, Ted, Lily, Marshall and Barney are sitting at a table and Ted is asking Barney if he agrees with Lily and Marshall that Ted chickened out. Barney can't believe that Ted isn't wearing a suit. Ted protests that Robin didn't give him the signal, whatever that is. Barney mocks him by blinking "Ted kiss me" in morse code. Also, Barney's shirt-tie combo is much better than the one I was railing about earlier. He's got a light pink shirt with a dark vertical stripe in it paired with a deep purple tie with pale blue swirlys on it. Over that he's wearing a dark blue jacket with a grey stripe. It's like, a thousand times better. Ted continues to protest that you shouldn't kiss someone without getting the signal. Barney, frustrated, turns and grabs Marshall's head and kisses him. Hah! Barney asks if Marshall gave him the signal, and Marshall very seriously turns to Lily and says, "I didn't, I swear!" Aw. Barney explains that he can now sleep tonight knowing that he and Marshall are never going to happen, and tells Ted that he should have kissed Robin. Ted finally agrees that he should have kissed her. He suggests doing it in a week when she gets back from Orlando, but Barney tells him that a week is like a year in "hot girl time" and that Robin will forget about Ted by then, and that Ted will never see her again. At that moment, Ted sees Robin on the tv above the bar, reporting on the Manhattan bridge guy. Lily says that she's cute and asks Carl to turn it up. Robin reports that the man came down off the ledge and everything is fine. Ted decides that he's going to go kiss her, right now. Marshall protests that it's midnight, but Ted doesn't care. He tries to build a metaphor about how kissing Robin is like the guy on the bridge, but it falls apart at the end when Ted realizes that his ending is getting married and having kids and the others guys ending is death from bridge jumping. Barney corrects him that it is a perfect metaphor, and congratulates Lily and Marshall on their engagement. They all start to leave except Barney, who will only go along on one condition. Cut to the four of them in a cab (driven by Ranjit!) where Barney says, "Look atcha, you beautiful bastard, you suited up!" See, it doesn't take much to make Barney happy. Also, this is going in Barney's blog. Ted asks Ranjit to stop the car and he runs into the restaurant where he and Robin had dinner and grabs the blue french horn off the chimney and runs out with it. It's so sweet when guys break the law for you. He hops back in the cab yelling, "Go! Go! Go!" and Marshall, Lily and Barney look at him like the crazy jackass that he is. He holds up the blue french horn and says, "Everybody brings flowers." Touché, Ted.
They pull up to Robin's building and Ted tries to psyche himself up. Barney is excited that Ted is going to sleep with a tv reporter, saying, "This just in..." and looking at Lily with his hand raised for a high five. She just shakes her head no at him and he lowers his hand. That was one of my favorite moments in the whole episode. Lily and Marshall rally for Ted, telling him to go kiss the crap out of that girl. Ew. Ted tells Mashall to remember this story, because he is going to tell it when he's the best man at Ted and Robin's wedding. Ted gets out of the cab and Barney demands to know why Marshall gets to be the best man, since he is Ted's best friend. SagetTed tells us that he was thinking many things as he walked up to Robin's door, but he forgot about her five dogs. Ruh roh. Sure enough, after he rings the bell, much barking is heard. Ted starts to run away, but is admonished by Lily and Barney, who yells, "You're wearing a suit!" at him. He goes back. Robin and two dogs stick their heads out of an upstairs window and Ted tries to say that he was just in the neighborhood, but only gets as far as "I was just, ah...", and he simply holds up the blue french horn. Robin tells him to come up.
Back in the cab, Barney asks Ranjit is he knows a lot of Lebanese women. Ranjit corrects him that he is from Bangladesh. Barney want to know if there are hot women there, and Lily reaches her Barney limit and goes off in search of a bathroom. Ranjit shows Barney a picture of his wife. Barney cringes and whispers to Marshall that a simple no would have sufficed. Marshall covers his face. Barney tells Ranjit that his wife is lovely.
Upstairs in Robin's apartment, Robin wants to know what brings Ted to Brooklyn at 1:00 AM in a suit. Ted says that he wants the olives she said he could have. She asks if he wants them with gin and vermouth. Ted asks if she is trying to get him drunk, and Robin sidles over to him, pushes play on her cd player and says, "For starters," as sexy music begins to play. She turns to go into the kitchen and Ted mouths "thank you". Word. That was hot, and I am 100% straight.
Back in the cab, Barney is asking Marshall about his dislike of olives. Barney claims that he saw Marshall eat olives at a Spanish bar two weeks ago and asks him, "What up?" Marshall, caught, tells Barney to swear that this never leaves the cab. Barney swears. Ranjit also swears. Marshall explains that he really does like olives, but on their first date, Lily asked if she could have his olives, so he pretended not to like them. Even thought he really did like olives, Mashall was eighteen, a virgin, and had been waiting his whole life for a pretty girl to want his olives. Oh, hello Euphamism. It's been a little while. Where you in the shower, or something? Barney offers an early wedding present to Marshall. His present is, "Don't get married."
Back upstairs in Robin's apartment, sexy music plays and Ted and Robin sway with their hands on each other's waists while her five dogs watch them. Robin likes his olive theory. Ted likes her new french horn. Robin likes his nose. Weird, but ok. Some people have nice noses. I've never thought Ted's was particularly handsome, but alright. Ted thinks he's in love with Robin. He says it. Out loud. Cut to Lily, Marshall and Barney yelling "What!?" Cut to Ted's future kids yelling "What!?" Cut to Robin yelling "What!?"
Down in the cab, Barney tries to convince Marshall that Marshall is hungry for experience and that he's only getting married becasue he's afraid of living or some crap like that. Marshall agrees that he is scared, but that when he thinks about Lily and being married to her and being with only her for the rest of his life, it doesn't scare him at all, and he's going to marry her. Lily has returned from the bathroom just in time to hear this, and she reaches in the cab window to kiss Marshall. He stops her and confessess that he likes olives. Lily tells him, "We'll make it work," and kisses him. Aw. They are so sweet. Ranjit agrees.
Back upstairs, Ted and Robin and sitting on her couch. Ted is uncomfortable and Robin is confused. Ted tries to change the subject by bringing up her trip to Orlando, but Robin just yells at him, "You love me?" Ted can't believe he said that and decides that he should go. Robin tells him to wait and hands him the jar of olives. Ted thanks her and tells her that he loves her again, immediately yelling "what is wrong with me?" For real Ted. Get your shit together.
Down in the cab, Barney wants to know why they are still there, and suggests going back to the bar. He even tempts Lily with "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" in a pirate voice. Hee. Lily is fed up and takes her eye patch off. Lily says that they can't abandon Ted, because they will need to support him if things don't go well. Marshall points out that it's been like twenty minutes and asks Barney if he thinks they're having sex. Ted and Robin, not Marshall and Barney. Barney wonders if they're doing it in front of the dogs. Marshall offers up "doggie style" and I giggle because I'm immature. Barney starts to tell a story about a girl he knew in college who had a golden retreiver, but Lily is grossed out and interrupts him, saying that they can go to the bar if he will stop talking. I imagine that happens a lot.
Ted exits Robin's building, asking her to call him eccentric instead of psycho when she tells this story to her friends. Don't count on it Ted. She says, "Goodnight, Psycho," and Ted puts his hand over his heart like it hurts and heads out. When he sees that the cab is gone he turns back and asks Robin how to get the the F train and she gives him directions. After a few steps, Td changes his mind and turns back saying, "You know what? I'm done being single." Man, that line pisses me off so much. I feel a rant coming on. It's like, is Robin just supposed to be your girlfriend just because you decided that you're "done being single"? I'm sorry for your immense problem of singleness Ted, really I am. Ugh. I really don't like Ted sometimes. Anyway, his monologue continues that it sucks that guys can't tell a girl that they love her on the first date, and that if some woman were able to put up with his shit, he would be a good husband because he would make he laugh and walk her dogs. Ted is in for a rude awakening when he learns that being a good husband takes more than that. Right now I am mentally telling Robin to run for the hills, because Ted is sounding like a selfish child and like his idea of love is immature and romanticized in the extreme. He also claims that he's a good kisser, but Robin tells him that everyone thinks they are a good kisser. Ted has references. Whatever. Robin shakes his hand and stares longingly at him.
Back at the bar Ted tells Barney, Lily and Marshall that the night ended with that handshake and he'll probably never see Robin again. They all stare at him. He asks what. Marshall: That was the signal. Lily agrees that he should have kissed her. Barney says that there is no such thing as the signal, but that was it. Ranjit pops out and says, "Signaaaaal". Carl comes over with a bottle of champagne for them and tells Ted he should have kissed her. Marshall says there's somthing he has to do, grabs the bottle and opens it. Lily is turned on. Keep it to yourself sister. Ted is going on that he has seen this signal and that was not it. Barney fills in for me with, "Yeah, Ted, we're not on you anymore." Marshall toasts his fiancé, Lily toasts the future, and Ranjit toasts one hell of a night. They all clink glasses and drink. Ted again says that it was not the signal. SagetTed tells his kids that he asked Robin about it later and she said it was the signal. Then he babbles about destiny and being to close to the puzzle to see the big picture and other such nonsense. Then he breaks it to the kids that this is how he met Aunt Robin. The kids are confused, saying they thought he was telling them how he met their mother. He's getting to it, it's a long story.
The opening title reads "The year 2030" (which is not 2029, like the episode blurb on the DVD case. Good job editors.) and we fade in to two teenagers sitting on a couch, a boy and a girl. SagetTed tells the kids that he is going to tell them "an incredibly story, the story of how I met your mother." The boy wants to know if they are being punished for something and the girl's horribly, horizontal zigzag patterned tights want to know if this is going to take a while. The answers are no and yes, respectively. The kids settle into the couch as SagetTed begins four seasons worth of storytelling.
Over a montage of photos of Ted drinking, being an architect, drinking, hanging out with Marshall and Lily, and drinking, we learn that in the year 2005 Ted was 27 and just starting out in his career as an architect. Ted's life was pretty good, until Marshall screwed it all up. The last photo of Marshall on his knees holding a ring box comes to life as he imploringly asks "Will you marry me?" Ted says yes. Hee. Ted is excited about his friends getting engaged, describing the rest of the night of champagne and sex on the kitchen floor. Then he asks Marshall to please not have sex on the kitchen floor. I look over at my kitchen floor and think, gross.
Marshall thanks Ted for helping him plan this out, and Ted remembers being there for all the "big moments" with Marshall and Lily. I don't see how this is one of those moments, since Ted will, in fact, not be there when Marshall proposes, but maybe he means there in spirit? Anyway, the "big moments" that Ted was present for include the night they met, their first date, "other first things". Marshall claims that he and Lily thought Ted was sleeping. EW. Ted explains that physics dictates that when the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves also. EW EW! People. Don't have sex with your roommates present. Unless they are invited. Ted once again expresses his wonder that Marshall is getting engaged tonight. Marshall and his awesome shirt ask what Ted is doing that night. We freeze on Ted lifting his beer to his lips as SagetTed tells his kids that during the biggest night of Uncle Marshall's life, he was "calling up your Uncle Barney", saying Barney's name with much contempt. Shut up SagetTed, Barney is awesome. Cut to Barney getting his face shaved, like at the barber with a straight razor and hot towels and such. He informs Ted that Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians. When Ted asks if Barney wants to do something, Barney tells him to meet him at the bar in fifteen minutes and "SUIT UP!", then flips his phone closed. Not one for conventional goodbyes, that Barney.
Barney is standing at the bar, suited up, beer in hand when Ted enters. How did Barney get to the bar before Ted when Ted lives directly above the bar? Maybe he had to do his hair. Ok, focus. Barney is upset that Ted is not wearing a suit. Apparently Ted never wears a suit. Ted claims he did "that one time". Barney, disgusted, "It was a blazer."
Ted ignores this completely and waxes nostalgic about his friendship with Marshall and Lily, and expresses worry that he will be on the outs with them once they are married and starting a family. He doesn't want to be "the weird, middle aged bachelor their kids call Uncle Ted." Does he mean like SagetTed's kids refer to Barney as Uncle Barney? Barney smacks Ted on the side of the head and I giggle, because hitting Ted is always funny. Barney tells Ted to remember what he said to Ted on the night they met.
Side slide to Ted sitting in a booth at the bar, sporting a goatee that is masterful in its doucheness. Barney slides into the booth next to Ted. Ted appears to be talking to some other blond guy in the booth, but as we only see the back of his head, and only this one time, I don't care about him. Barney tells Ted that he is going to teach Ted how to live. Barney is wearing a black shirt with white vertical stripes paired with a royal blue tie with a white diamond pattern on it. Ted looks at him searchingly, as would I. That shirt and tie are fighting with my retinas. Barney reminds Ted that they met at the urinal. Guys do that? I thought there were all these rules about urinals, and how you can't stand next to each other or make eye contact, let alone talk. How do those rules allow for an introduction? Maybe Barney is just a rebel. The clashing patterns he's wearing make me think so.
Barney's rules for living life are that Ted should lose the goatee (agreed), and buy a suit, because "suits are cool. Exhibit A", with a gesture at himself. The close up allows me to see that Barney's tie is actually black with maroon and pale blue circles on it. Which amounts to him pairing stripes with polka dots. My eyes are screaming. Anyway, lesson three is that Ted should not even think about getting married until he's thirty. We slide back to Ted saying that Barney is right, he should wait until thirty to think about marriage. He supposes that "when your best friend gets engaged, you start thinking about that stuff." Barney protests that he thought he was Ted's best friend and demands that Ted say that he is. Ted humors him. Barney, as Ted's best friend and all, suggests that they play Haaaaaaaaaaave you met Ted? Ted protests that he doesn't want to play, but Barney ignores him and taps the woman next to him on the arm and says, "Hi, have you met Ted?", and skedaddles. Ted greats her and the very attractive woman introduces herself to Ted as Yasmin. He complements her name and she tells him that it's Lebanese.
Up in the apartment, Lily comes home and puts her bags down on the couch. Marshall greets her through the kitchen cut out and comes into the living room as Lily says that she is exhausted because "it was finger painting day at school and a five year old got to second base". She opens her jacket to reveal a blue hand print directly on her right breast. She is excited that Marshall is cooking, but wants to be sure that it's a good idea, since Marshall "looked really creepy without eyebrows" after the last time he cooked. He says he can handle it and that he is full of surprises tonight. Lily wants to know what other surprises he has for her, like that won't completely ruin the point of a surprise. Marshall panics and yells "Boogedy boo!" at her while waving his arms around. Hee. Also, SagetTed tells us that Marshall is in his second year of law school. Marshall claims that there are no other surprises for Lily. He goes back into the kitchen to cook.
Back in the bar, Ted and Yasmin are sitting at a table while Ted tells her how happy he is for Marshall, but that he can't imagine settling down right now. Yasmin wants to know if he thinks he'll ever get married. Ted does, to the point of describing his future wedding "some fall day, possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows. Band, no DJ. People will dance! I'm not gonna worry about it." Man, Ted is a basket case. He bemoans his best friend getting engaged, like, way to be happy for him there Ted. He then mocks himself to Yasmin for planning his own wedding, but she claims that she thinks it's cute. Ted says that she is clearly drunk, and orders another glass of white wine for her, but he does it by holding up her glass, waggling it at the bar and yelling "One more for the lady!" Which is funny in the context of their conversation, but to the bartender Ted probably just looks like an asshole.
Back in the apartment, Lily is now cooking, wearing a red and white striped apron that I am coveting. Marshall hops off the counter he was sitting on and tells Lily to "look what I got [sic]", as he hands her a bottle of champagne. Lily tells him how sweet he is and hands it back to him. He just says, "Yeaaaah..." and hands the bottle right back to her. She remonstrates him that he is an adult and should not be afraid to open a bottle of champagne. Really, Marshall it's not that hard. He says that he's not scared, so Lily calls his bluff and tells him to open it. He takes the bottle back from her and, after considering for a moment, hands it back to Lily asking her to please open it. She calls him unbelievable and yells at him while the bottom half of the screen takes us back to Ted and Yasmin in the bar. SagetTed talks about two big questions that a man has to ask in life while Lily and Ted pass the bottle back and forth (which is not going to make it easier to open) and Ted stares at Yasmin intently. Ted is lucky that he's hot, because he is often very creepy. Anyway, SagetTed tells us that one of the questions you plan out for months and the other just slips out while you are drunk at some bar. As he says this, Marshall drops to one knee and whips out the ring for Lily and asks her to marry him. She yells, "Of course, you idiot!" and knocks his into the living room with the force of her hug. At the same time, Ted asks Yasmin if she would like to have dinner, and she shoots him down because Carl, the bartender, is her boyfriend. Hah! I bet he thinks you're an even bigger asshole than before! And, really, SagetTed? Those are the Two Big Questions that a man asks in life? How is asking a pretty woman that you are talking to at a bar to dinner even in the same category as asking your girlfriend of many years to marry you?
Back up in the apartment, Marshall and Lily sit up on the kitchen floor after having sex on it, just like Marshall told Ted he would not do. Marshall clearly has difficulties respecting other people's comfort level with respect to him having sex. Lily informs him that there's a pop tart under the fridge, and Marshall calls dibs. This couple is grossing me out right now. Marshall grabs the champagne off the counter so he can drink a toast to his fiancé. Lily kisses him and gets up off the floor, presumably to finish cooking dinner, while Marshall takes the metal wire contraption off of the cork. Marshall wonders why he was scared of opening a bottle of champagne, and pops the cork out with his thumb, which is the complete wrong way to open champagne. You are supposed to cup your hand over the cork, hold the bottle at a 45 degree angle, and turn the bottle while easing the cork out. As expected, the cork goes flying and foam comes pouring out. Off screen, Lily screams and Marshall covers his mouth in shock.
Back in the bar, Ted wonders why he is freaking out as he knows that he's not ready to settle down. Barney wonders how Carl is dating Yasmin, the Lebanese woman, as Carl doesn't even own a suit. Ted decides that even if he was ready to get married, which he emphatically is not, he has no one to get married with. He says, "It's like, ok, I'm ready, where is she?", turning as he says this to see a beautiful woman in a green turtleneck, and I'm not going to pretend I don't know that she is Robin.
Robin talks with some other woman while Ted makes googly eyes at her like the doof that he is. She notices and smiles at him, and they appear to have a moment. Ted turns to Barney and asks if he sees that girl. Barney thinks that she likes it dirty. I giggle, because I am an eight year old. Barney tells Ted to go say hi, but Ted starts to get all neurotic, making a plan to wait for her to go to the bathroom and then go stand casually by the jukebox. We don't hear how this plan will play out because Robin has walked over to the bar where Barney taps her on the shoulder and says, "Haaaaave you met Ted?" and hightails it outta there.
Cut to Lily and Marshall climbing into a cab, Lily holding an ice bag to her left eye (that is the same as the ice bag I had growing up. Aw, memories. That ice bag was held to many an injury. I come from a long line of klutzes.) and Marshall is apologizing profusely to her. Marshall asks the cabbie to take them to the hospital, but the cabbie demands to know if Marshall hit Lily. Lily scoffs at this idea, telling the cabbie that Marshall can barely bring himself to spank her in the bedroom. She explains that Marshall is like "Oh honey did that hurt?" while she taps the ice bag, and how she is like "C'mon lemme have it, ya pansy!" Lily then realizes that she is telling this to a total stranger. This couple definitely has issues with maintaining their own privacy. Marshall does not look pleased with her assessment of his bedroom skills. The cabbie creeps them both out by telling Lily to continue and asking if she is pajamas or naked while Marshall spanks her. Guh.
Back in the bar, Robin is telling Ted that she works for Metro News one, but she is only reporting on fluff pieces currently, "like the monkey who can play the ukulele", but she is hoping to get bigger stories soon. Ted jokes about a gorilla playing the upright bass. Lame Ted. Robin waves to a group of women sitting in a booth, none of whom look pleased that she is talking to Ted. He comments on that fact, so at least he is perceptive of that. Robin explains that the one in the middle just got dumped, so men are not in the picture tonight. Ted offers to let Robin throw a drink at him if it will help. I have always wanted to do that! Apparently so has Robin. Ted asks Robin to dinner on Saturday, but she can't because she is covering a story in Orlando for a week about a man who is going to make the world's largest pancake and then eat it. Ted shoots for the following night and Robin accepts. She slips him her business card and then throws her drink in his face and leaves, saying that it was fun. I bet it would have been more fun if she hit him in the middle of his face, instead of the top corner of his forehead.
Barney comes back over to mock Ted with the first "wait for it" of the show, saying "De-wait for it-nied. Denied!" Yay! I love "wait for it"! Ted corrects Barney that he is actually going out with Robin the following night. Barney is upset because he and Ted were supposed to play laser tag. Ted lets Barney down that they were never going to play laser tag.
The next night, Ted and Robin are having dinner. There is a fireplace in the restaurant with a blue french horn hanging above the mantle. Robin comments that it is bad ass. Ted agrees and likens it to a Smurf penis. What? Then the camera freezes on Ted making the greatest face ever. He looks like the cartoon Grinch when he smiles at the end because his heart grew three sizes. While his face is thus frozen, SagetTed cautions his son that it is not a great idea to say the words "Smurf penis" on a first date, unless you are with a woman as awesome as Robin. How old are his kids, is what I want to know. Robin giggles about Smurf penises, as do I now that I stop to consider the idea.
Back at the apartment, Lily is sitting on the couch flipping through a magazine and wearing an eye patch over her left eye. That would make my head hurt. Marshall is sitting next to her on her left with his laptop on his, well, lap. He turns to her and calls her name. Lily jumps and demands to know how long he has been sitting there. Har har. Lily's cute and all, but there is no way you wouldn't notice someone sitting next to you while they are doing anything with a laptop. There is clicking and typing and just noise in general. Nice try show. You ain't foolin' me.
Ted comes in and announces that he has met "The Future Mrs. Ted Mosby", calling Lily and Marshall Mom and Dad while he does so. Why can't she just be The Future Mrs. Mosby? And what makes you think she will take your last name anyway? Sorry, Ted just irritates me sometimes. Anyway, Lily and Marshall perk up and Ted asks Marshall, "How have I always described my perfect woman?" Marshall considers and comes up with the list, and a mighty long one it is. She likes dogs-cut to Robin telling Ted that she has five dogs. She likes scotch-cut to Robin saying, "I love a scotch that's old enough to order its own scotch." She can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters-cut to Robin doing just that. Wow Ted, those are some high standards you have there buddy. No wonder you're single. Ted tells them that there is one more thing and we cut to Robin asking Ted if he wants some olives, saying that she hates them. Lily and Marshall are very excited about this and Lily says "the Olive Theory" with much affection. Back in the restaurant, Ted explains to Robin that the Olive Theory is based on Lily and Marshall, since Marshall hates olives and Lily loves them. Ted says, "In a weird way, that's what makes them perfect as a couple. The perfect balance." Yes, that's all you need to have balance in a relationship folks. One person who likes olives and one who hates them. I'm starting to see why Ted is single. Robin appears more intrigued than I am and tells Ted that she has a jar of olives in her fridge that has been there forever. Ted offers to take them off of her hands. She replies, "They're all yours." Is it hot in here?
Up in the apartment Marshall yells that it is on, and robots that it is on to the break of dawn, and that's when Marshall wins my heart. Anyone who is that willing to make a fool of himself is good people in my book. You can tell that Josh Radnor was really laughing at him too. Lily points out that it's only 10:30 and asks what happened.
Robin and Ted walk down the sidewalk, presumably to go back to her place so she can give him the jar of olives. There's a gross euphemism. Robin is talking about how she really wants a blue french horn for her fireplace. Ted offers her different colored instruments, such as a green clarinet, but she will accept no substitutes, saying "It's a Smurf penis, or no dice." Well it looks like Ted is in for a night of disappointment. I spoke too soon, because just then a news van pulls up to them and the woman in the van tells Robin that there is a man on the Manhattan bridge trying to jump off, and Robin gets to cover it. Robin tells them she'll be right there and turns to Ted and apologizes, saying that she had a great time. Back in the apartment Marshall want to know if Ted kissed her. Ted says that the moment wasn't right. Lily and Marshall are disappointed, but Ted protests that, since this woman could be his wife, he wants their first kiss to be amazing. Lily seems charmed, but it's just a setup because she says, "Awww, Ted that is so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?" Hah. Marshall nods along, because really, Ted, it's just a kiss. Ted is offended at being called a chicken and gets all Marty McFly on Lily, calling her "a pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college." Ted, I would watch it if I were you. Marshall looks pretty pissed. Lily argues that any single person, even the dumbest single person alive, would tell him the same thing, and if Ted doesn't believe her, he should call that person.
Cut to Barney doing a spectacular somersault dive so that he lands up against a wall in the laser tag...arena, I guess? He answers his phone with "Hey loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome" and then yells at a kid, Conner, who runs by that he killed Conner already and he's going to get Conner's mom. Ted asks him for his opinion on something. Barney says to meet him at the bar in fifteen minutes and demands that Ted suit up. Never gonna happen Barney.
At the bar, Ted, Lily, Marshall and Barney are sitting at a table and Ted is asking Barney if he agrees with Lily and Marshall that Ted chickened out. Barney can't believe that Ted isn't wearing a suit. Ted protests that Robin didn't give him the signal, whatever that is. Barney mocks him by blinking "Ted kiss me" in morse code. Also, Barney's shirt-tie combo is much better than the one I was railing about earlier. He's got a light pink shirt with a dark vertical stripe in it paired with a deep purple tie with pale blue swirlys on it. Over that he's wearing a dark blue jacket with a grey stripe. It's like, a thousand times better. Ted continues to protest that you shouldn't kiss someone without getting the signal. Barney, frustrated, turns and grabs Marshall's head and kisses him. Hah! Barney asks if Marshall gave him the signal, and Marshall very seriously turns to Lily and says, "I didn't, I swear!" Aw. Barney explains that he can now sleep tonight knowing that he and Marshall are never going to happen, and tells Ted that he should have kissed Robin. Ted finally agrees that he should have kissed her. He suggests doing it in a week when she gets back from Orlando, but Barney tells him that a week is like a year in "hot girl time" and that Robin will forget about Ted by then, and that Ted will never see her again. At that moment, Ted sees Robin on the tv above the bar, reporting on the Manhattan bridge guy. Lily says that she's cute and asks Carl to turn it up. Robin reports that the man came down off the ledge and everything is fine. Ted decides that he's going to go kiss her, right now. Marshall protests that it's midnight, but Ted doesn't care. He tries to build a metaphor about how kissing Robin is like the guy on the bridge, but it falls apart at the end when Ted realizes that his ending is getting married and having kids and the others guys ending is death from bridge jumping. Barney corrects him that it is a perfect metaphor, and congratulates Lily and Marshall on their engagement. They all start to leave except Barney, who will only go along on one condition. Cut to the four of them in a cab (driven by Ranjit!) where Barney says, "Look atcha, you beautiful bastard, you suited up!" See, it doesn't take much to make Barney happy. Also, this is going in Barney's blog. Ted asks Ranjit to stop the car and he runs into the restaurant where he and Robin had dinner and grabs the blue french horn off the chimney and runs out with it. It's so sweet when guys break the law for you. He hops back in the cab yelling, "Go! Go! Go!" and Marshall, Lily and Barney look at him like the crazy jackass that he is. He holds up the blue french horn and says, "Everybody brings flowers." Touché, Ted.
They pull up to Robin's building and Ted tries to psyche himself up. Barney is excited that Ted is going to sleep with a tv reporter, saying, "This just in..." and looking at Lily with his hand raised for a high five. She just shakes her head no at him and he lowers his hand. That was one of my favorite moments in the whole episode. Lily and Marshall rally for Ted, telling him to go kiss the crap out of that girl. Ew. Ted tells Mashall to remember this story, because he is going to tell it when he's the best man at Ted and Robin's wedding. Ted gets out of the cab and Barney demands to know why Marshall gets to be the best man, since he is Ted's best friend. SagetTed tells us that he was thinking many things as he walked up to Robin's door, but he forgot about her five dogs. Ruh roh. Sure enough, after he rings the bell, much barking is heard. Ted starts to run away, but is admonished by Lily and Barney, who yells, "You're wearing a suit!" at him. He goes back. Robin and two dogs stick their heads out of an upstairs window and Ted tries to say that he was just in the neighborhood, but only gets as far as "I was just, ah...", and he simply holds up the blue french horn. Robin tells him to come up.
Back in the cab, Barney asks Ranjit is he knows a lot of Lebanese women. Ranjit corrects him that he is from Bangladesh. Barney want to know if there are hot women there, and Lily reaches her Barney limit and goes off in search of a bathroom. Ranjit shows Barney a picture of his wife. Barney cringes and whispers to Marshall that a simple no would have sufficed. Marshall covers his face. Barney tells Ranjit that his wife is lovely.
Upstairs in Robin's apartment, Robin wants to know what brings Ted to Brooklyn at 1:00 AM in a suit. Ted says that he wants the olives she said he could have. She asks if he wants them with gin and vermouth. Ted asks if she is trying to get him drunk, and Robin sidles over to him, pushes play on her cd player and says, "For starters," as sexy music begins to play. She turns to go into the kitchen and Ted mouths "thank you". Word. That was hot, and I am 100% straight.
Back in the cab, Barney is asking Marshall about his dislike of olives. Barney claims that he saw Marshall eat olives at a Spanish bar two weeks ago and asks him, "What up?" Marshall, caught, tells Barney to swear that this never leaves the cab. Barney swears. Ranjit also swears. Marshall explains that he really does like olives, but on their first date, Lily asked if she could have his olives, so he pretended not to like them. Even thought he really did like olives, Mashall was eighteen, a virgin, and had been waiting his whole life for a pretty girl to want his olives. Oh, hello Euphamism. It's been a little while. Where you in the shower, or something? Barney offers an early wedding present to Marshall. His present is, "Don't get married."
Back upstairs in Robin's apartment, sexy music plays and Ted and Robin sway with their hands on each other's waists while her five dogs watch them. Robin likes his olive theory. Ted likes her new french horn. Robin likes his nose. Weird, but ok. Some people have nice noses. I've never thought Ted's was particularly handsome, but alright. Ted thinks he's in love with Robin. He says it. Out loud. Cut to Lily, Marshall and Barney yelling "What!?" Cut to Ted's future kids yelling "What!?" Cut to Robin yelling "What!?"
Down in the cab, Barney tries to convince Marshall that Marshall is hungry for experience and that he's only getting married becasue he's afraid of living or some crap like that. Marshall agrees that he is scared, but that when he thinks about Lily and being married to her and being with only her for the rest of his life, it doesn't scare him at all, and he's going to marry her. Lily has returned from the bathroom just in time to hear this, and she reaches in the cab window to kiss Marshall. He stops her and confessess that he likes olives. Lily tells him, "We'll make it work," and kisses him. Aw. They are so sweet. Ranjit agrees.
Back upstairs, Ted and Robin and sitting on her couch. Ted is uncomfortable and Robin is confused. Ted tries to change the subject by bringing up her trip to Orlando, but Robin just yells at him, "You love me?" Ted can't believe he said that and decides that he should go. Robin tells him to wait and hands him the jar of olives. Ted thanks her and tells her that he loves her again, immediately yelling "what is wrong with me?" For real Ted. Get your shit together.
Down in the cab, Barney wants to know why they are still there, and suggests going back to the bar. He even tempts Lily with "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" in a pirate voice. Hee. Lily is fed up and takes her eye patch off. Lily says that they can't abandon Ted, because they will need to support him if things don't go well. Marshall points out that it's been like twenty minutes and asks Barney if he thinks they're having sex. Ted and Robin, not Marshall and Barney. Barney wonders if they're doing it in front of the dogs. Marshall offers up "doggie style" and I giggle because I'm immature. Barney starts to tell a story about a girl he knew in college who had a golden retreiver, but Lily is grossed out and interrupts him, saying that they can go to the bar if he will stop talking. I imagine that happens a lot.
Ted exits Robin's building, asking her to call him eccentric instead of psycho when she tells this story to her friends. Don't count on it Ted. She says, "Goodnight, Psycho," and Ted puts his hand over his heart like it hurts and heads out. When he sees that the cab is gone he turns back and asks Robin how to get the the F train and she gives him directions. After a few steps, Td changes his mind and turns back saying, "You know what? I'm done being single." Man, that line pisses me off so much. I feel a rant coming on. It's like, is Robin just supposed to be your girlfriend just because you decided that you're "done being single"? I'm sorry for your immense problem of singleness Ted, really I am. Ugh. I really don't like Ted sometimes. Anyway, his monologue continues that it sucks that guys can't tell a girl that they love her on the first date, and that if some woman were able to put up with his shit, he would be a good husband because he would make he laugh and walk her dogs. Ted is in for a rude awakening when he learns that being a good husband takes more than that. Right now I am mentally telling Robin to run for the hills, because Ted is sounding like a selfish child and like his idea of love is immature and romanticized in the extreme. He also claims that he's a good kisser, but Robin tells him that everyone thinks they are a good kisser. Ted has references. Whatever. Robin shakes his hand and stares longingly at him.
Back at the bar Ted tells Barney, Lily and Marshall that the night ended with that handshake and he'll probably never see Robin again. They all stare at him. He asks what. Marshall: That was the signal. Lily agrees that he should have kissed her. Barney says that there is no such thing as the signal, but that was it. Ranjit pops out and says, "Signaaaaal". Carl comes over with a bottle of champagne for them and tells Ted he should have kissed her. Marshall says there's somthing he has to do, grabs the bottle and opens it. Lily is turned on. Keep it to yourself sister. Ted is going on that he has seen this signal and that was not it. Barney fills in for me with, "Yeah, Ted, we're not on you anymore." Marshall toasts his fiancé, Lily toasts the future, and Ranjit toasts one hell of a night. They all clink glasses and drink. Ted again says that it was not the signal. SagetTed tells his kids that he asked Robin about it later and she said it was the signal. Then he babbles about destiny and being to close to the puzzle to see the big picture and other such nonsense. Then he breaks it to the kids that this is how he met Aunt Robin. The kids are confused, saying they thought he was telling them how he met their mother. He's getting to it, it's a long story.
Coming Soon...
So I've decided on a new project for my blog. I know I'm not so good at following through with projects I start in this here space, but hey. This is where I get to be myself completely, and part of who I am is a lazy jerk who never finishes a damn thing.
What is my new project?
One of my favorite sites in the whole internet is Television Without Pity. One of my favorite shows ever on television is How I Met Your Mother. However. TWoP does not have recaps of all of season one and half of season two. After ordering seasons one and two of HIMYM waaaaay back in February (seriously people, Magical Prices sucks ass. Never buy through them.), I have decided to rectify this situation. That's right. I'm going to post recaps of season one of How I Met Your Mother up in this joint.
That's the plan anyway.
What is my new project?
One of my favorite sites in the whole internet is Television Without Pity. One of my favorite shows ever on television is How I Met Your Mother. However. TWoP does not have recaps of all of season one and half of season two. After ordering seasons one and two of HIMYM waaaaay back in February (seriously people, Magical Prices sucks ass. Never buy through them.), I have decided to rectify this situation. That's right. I'm going to post recaps of season one of How I Met Your Mother up in this joint.
That's the plan anyway.
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